The time is
approaching. I’m almost to the end of my
month. Soon, very soon, I will know if
our IUI resulted in a pregnancy. I will probably give an update on the blog with the results.
I am certain that if the answer is no, I will not want to share my feelings
about that particular answer any time soon. For that reason,
I thought that now would be a good time to write about the raw emotions that
infertility can bring. Hopefully it will
bring insight to those who have never had to walk this journey, and those
walking this journey can hopefully relate.
I have
probably spent the last decade not feeling much of anything. I’ve kind of had the mentality that life is
life….suck it up and deal with it. My
husband even jokes with me in saying that I am the man in the marriage when it
comes to feelings…..as in, I don’t have any.
Can I just say that journeying through infertility has brought up more
than enough emotions to make up for the last decade of not having any. I can’t remember the last time that I have
cried the way that I have cried these last few months. And I certainly can’t remember the last time I
have let myself hurt the way that I have hurt these last few months.
Before I
begin, let me remind you that these are my feelings, and everyone’s feelings
are different. These are just my
emotions in a typical month. I hope this
post is helpful for some.
In a given
month I FEEL………
Driven – For me, the month usually begins
without any feelings at all. I try not
to think too much about the end results and just focus on what I need to do to
get the end result that I so desperately want.
Hormonal –Thanks to hormonal medications I may,
out of the blue cry for hours, feel depressed or want to shout and scream for
no apparent reason. I remind myself that
it’s not how I really feel….it’s just how the meds occasionally make me feel.
Hopeful – I call the first half of the
month the good part of the cycle, because there is still hope. Hope that everything
will work out the way I want it to. Hope
that my body will do what it needs to do.
Hope that I will see two pink lines at the end of the month. Hope that God will “hear my cry and answer
it.” I admit that hope fades with each
month of disappointment. I tend to go into the month thinking that the less
hope I have, the less it will hurt if we don’t get pregnant. The truth is that it hurts the same regardless
of how much or how little hope I have.
Anxious – I usually feel very anxious as I
get to the end of the two week wait. I
know that by this point in the month, I have done all that I could have
possibly done and that I have no control over the end result. Even so, I can’t help but have some anxiety
and even a little worry as testing time approaches.
Disappointed – If the end of the month went as I
hoped it would, I would feel nothing but joy, excitement and relief. Unfortunately, I’ve only had to deal with a
whole other mix of emotions at the end of each month. Disappointment is a feeling that I know all
too well. If I could describe infertility
with two words, disappointment would be one of them. To me, putting my body through everything
that I have put it through, and then still getting a negative pregnancy test,
is quite possibly the most disappointing feeling I’ve ever had in my life.
Defeated – I kind of go into each month like
I’m going into battle. I take on this
personal enemy of mine called infertility with one goal in mind….to conquer
it. And then, the test comes back
negative, and I feel like anyone else would feel if they just lost a
battle. I feel defeated.
Frustrated – Again, if I could describe
infertility in two words, this would be the first word that comes to mind. I find nothing more frustrating than trying
so hard for something while having absolutely no control over the end
results! I find nothing more frustrating
than committing such great amounts of my time, energy and resources into trying
to get pregnant, only to have it end in failure and have to start all over the
next month! I find nothing more
frustrating than feeling like my body is broken! I find nothing more frustrating than knowing
that, as a woman, my body was designed by my Creator to bear children, yet my
body won’t do what it was designed to do!
Angry – I try to not let myself feel this
too much, and for the most part I am successful. I will admit at times, it does show
itself. I think my anger is sometimes
directed at myself or even at God for allowing the circumstance. In reality, I’m not angry with myself or even
God. I’m usually just angry at the actual
circumstance and the fact that I have absolutely no control over it.
Exhausted – As the month ends, I am
exhausted. Once a test has confirmed
that the month was unsuccessful in producing a pregnancy, I feel like I don’t
know if I can do it all over again. I’ll
be honest; I’m tired of trying to get pregnant.
I’m tired of going through the same thing each month. Many people think that trying to get pregnant
is all fun and games, but for us it is WORK!
Hurt - Above all else, I feel hurt. Hurt that my plans are not His plans, and
hurt that I don’t understand His plans. For
the most part the hurt is short-lived.
It’s not like I walk around all day with a sad face on, saying “WOE IS
ME”. I live my life like normal, and if
I weren’t so vocal on my blog about our circumstances, I really doubt that
anyone in my real life would even know about the hurt. I have had to learn that
it is ok to hurt. I usually allow myself
a day or two to cry and sulk, before picking the pieces back up and starting
all over again the next month. I allow myself to take some alone time and not
feel bad about needing that alone time.
I think that a lot of people can look at women who struggle with
infertility and confuse their hurt for other things like jealousy or
bitterness. Take last month for
example. The day we found out I wasn’t
pregnant was the same day that we had plans to go to a Sunday school outing
with several other couples our age. I’ll
be quite honest with you; I just couldn’t go that night. I couldn’t handle being around pregnant women
or other couples talking about their growing families on that particular
night. It just hurt too bad to be around
that sort of thing when we had just gotten such disappointing news. We certainly didn’t announce that as our
reason for not going to the outing.
Unless someone from my class is reading this blog post right now, no one
would even know about it. That also
means that no one came to me and said that I was an awful person for not going
for that particular reason. My point is
that someone from the outside looking in could easily confuse my hurt with
bitterness. Hurting doesn’t mean that I
am jealous of other pregnant couples or bitter that we are not pregnant. I wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone, and I
am so happy that others get to experience motherhood without any
difficulty. It also doesn’t mean that
people who are pregnant should be sensitive around people like me who have such
difficulty getting pregnant. Pregnant
women should be able to share their good news and talk about the exciting
things that are going on in their life.
However, I think that fertile women need to not be upset to know that most
infertile women can’t help but feel a little hurt when they hear someone
announcing a pregnancy…..or when they see a FB status showing “my baby’s
progress at so many weeks” or “my baby is the size of a certain fruit”. And I think that infertile women need to not
let themselves feel guilty for feeling this way. Don’t misunderstand me. Fertile women should keep doing those things
like normal, but infertile women should not feel guilty about feeling those
feelings like NORMAL! It doesn’t make you an awful person. IT IS NORMAL!
It just means that sometimes someone else’s good news, that we are of course
happy they are experiencing, can also bring to remembrance of our not so good
news, leaving a hurtful feeling inside that only lasts for a moment. If we allow the hurt to lead to bitterness,
it can destroy us….but I also believe that if we don’t allow ourselves to hurt
than that too can be harmful to us.
Guilt - I try really hard to not feel
this, and I’m getting much better at it.
I think that sometimes we, as Christians, can look at verses like
“rejoice in the Lord always”, “in everything give thanks” and “all things work
together for good” and feel as though we have to repent for feeling the above
emotions that I mentioned. Can I just
say that I don’t think that it is wrong to feel hurt….or wrong to feel any of
the emotions that I mentioned above for that matter! God created the human body
to have emotions. He created hurt, and
He is allowing me to walk through the hurt for reasons that at this time I cannnot understand. I think of people in the Bible like Hannah who wept over her
barrenness….or people like David who wept over the loss of his son. One would not look at those Biblical accounts
and say that they should have been overjoyed with their circumstance. So then why do we sometimes feel guilty
because we are not overjoyed with our circumstances? If we let the emotions that I have mentioned
above take over our life, it can obviously become a problem. But to feel guilty for feeling those emotions
is to me just making the situation worse.
I also think that we can feel guilty because in comparison to other
problems in the world, infertility is minor.
I know I have thought to myself that there are so many bigger things
going on in the world, so why should I bother God with my tiny little problem? My hurt may be small in comparison to others,
but I serve a God who cares for both the big and the small. I had to remind myself that my God even
“cares about the sparrows”. Hurt is
hurt, and He cares about my hurt. No
matter how small my hurt seems to the rest of world, He desires to comfort me
and carry me through it…..so I shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling it.
