One
of my January goals was to read and write more.
My writing is not the most fluid or articulate, but there is something
about my fingers methodically tapping this keyboard that brings comfort. Whether on a computer screen or a piece of
paper, taking the thoughts from my head and making them both tactile and visual,
has always been somewhat therapeutic for me.
As
for my reading, I’m finishing up book number three, and have three more books on
my “to-read soon list”. This past week’s
book was one of those “good for my soul” books.
The kind of book that I picked up, because I knew it would be beneficial
to me in my current state of life. Entitled Wait and See, it is part a
memoir about the author’s own season of waiting in her life, and part a study
on the life of David and his season of waiting, the years he was fleeing from
Saul before becoming king.
As
I had anticipated, this book has at times made me cringe. Not because it was poorly written. I cringe because there are things written on
those pages, that at times are piercing and feel as if the words were meant for
my eyes to read, to remind me of where I have been and all that God has done
for me.
Not
tool long ago, I was sitting around a table with a group of peers and was
sharing with them that if I could sum up my adult life in one phrase, it would
be God whispering in my ear “Just wait child, I have something better for you ahead.”
At the time of that conversation, my
life was looking very much how I thought it would look in my mid twenties, only
as I was sharing this story, I was in my early thirties.
Here
I am nearly a year later, yet again in a place where the next big thing I had
planned for my life is not going the way I thought it would go. My plan, this plan that is a good plan – even
a God-honoring plan, is in the process of being delayed, being redirected, or
being completely derailed.
Over
the past few months, as I have had to watch my plans unravel, I have once again
found myself in a place where I realize I have to let go of all control. This is sadly a reoccurring theme in my life,
and for this girl who likes all things orderly, letting go of the control will
probably always be a life-lesson I will need to learn over and over again.
I
confess that it has been harder to trust the truths that I know to be true this
time around, as this change of plans was not a clear closed door and came about
due to circumstances that brought wounds to my soul. Things that once seemed safe and secure,
instantly felt shaky and unstable. What
I thought I knew, in an instant became an unknown. But these things I do know.
I
know my God is good. He is good all the
time, regardless of my circumstances.
I
know my God loves me. He loves me, even
if I don’t feel loved in life’s moments.
I
know my God allows the hard things, not to hurt me, but to help heal me. When I fall, He wants to pick me up. When I feel lost, He wants me to look at Him
for direction, to be my compass when the winds of life blow and I don’t know
where to turn next.
I
know He wants to fight my battles for me. And when I am wounded and feel I can’t go any farther,
he wants to carry me to a place where I can be healed.
I
know that I have walked through seasons of waiting in my past. In hindsight they are sweet seasons. Seasons where I grew. Seasons where I was made better. Seasons where when I look back, I can see God
had bigger and better things for me ahead.
Everything from my husband, to our vocations, to our home, to our
children – they all came to me later than what I had planned. Over and over
again, I can see that in waiting on God to bring into fruition the right time
and circumstances for me to move forward, my waiting has been a sweet time that
He has always used to bring me closer to Him.
The
ring on my finger at age 20 wasn’t the right ring, because it wasn’t from the right
man. A good man, but not the man for
me. The right ring from the right man
would come along five years later at age 25.
In that five year wait, I gained an independent lifestyle, but at the
same time learned to depend on God for my every need. I had to come to a place where I was content
to never marry, before God brought the
right man along in the right time, in the most unexpected ways. A man that was
more than I ever expected. God’s plans were better than my plans.
The
house in the subdivision down the street is a nice and lovely house. It’s a house we almost bought. But things fell through in a painful way with
that house, and for a full year we had to wait, watching so many houses sell at
all-time lows in a buyers market, before our house would finally sell. When I finally accepted that we didn’t have to
move, that our small house was just fine….well, that’s when our house finally
sold. When I walked into our current
home for the first time, I knew it wasn’t just a house, but a house I wanted to
make our home and raise our family. It
was a bigger and better home than the house in the subdivision down the street. It was more than I was expecting. God’s plans were better than my plans.
When
my husband lost his job, and I could not understand why, there was a time of
waiting for him to find a new job. When
he accepted a job that I did not want him to take, I could not see at the time
that with that decision, the time would come for me to want to stay home with
our children, and that job would be the job that would give him opportunity
after opportunity to finically provide for our family in bigger ways than I
could have ever expected. God’s
plans were better than my plans.
When
we struggled to conceive children, I had to come to a place of accepting the
fact that even if I never conceived a baby, God was still good. When I finally got to that place of
acceptance, God went over and beyond my expectations. He gave me two babies, when I only asked for
one. And just because sometimes He wants
to show me how good He really is, He naturally opened my womb again and gave me
a baby girl. More than I ever expected! God’s
plans were better than my plans.
And
so now here I am again, accepting that even though my plans are good and noble
plans - plans that I will not give a name or description to in this specific
post – it’s either not the right timing for my plan, or it’s not the right
plan.
So
for now, I wait, and I thank Him for what He has given me, for it is much more than I deserve or ever thought I would have. And I learn from the lessons
that need to be learned during this wait, and I grow in ways I need to grow. And I focus on the important things in life that mean more to me than my plans - like being the best wife and mom I know how to be. And I
watch God do work in the circumstance around me, and in doing so, I witness His grace in my life, and know that
He is good even in the hurt.
And
I trust. I trust His ways are better
than my ways. That God has a better
plan. A plan that might not look
anything like what I thought it would look like, or perhaps like in times past, a plan that in time may be even better than what I originally desired.
I trust that in a couple of years, when I look back at where I am now, I
will still be able to say that even in this moment I sensed God whispering in
my ear, “Slow down child, I have something better for you ahead.”