In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. ~ Proverbs 3:6

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Looking back at 2012 and Looking forward to 2013

            Happy new year!  It’s been a while, I know.  We’ve had some big things going on in our life that have had me step away from the blog for a few months.  During that time, I found myself using Instagram more and more to journal the happenings of my life. I love the blog, but I found Instagram to be a faster and easier way for me to log my life lately.  Whether it be Thanksgiving with the family, black Friday shopping with the hubs, putting up our Christmas tree, going to see the final movie of the Twilight Saga, enjoying holiday date nights like Metamora or shopping downtown, taking the girls that I nanny for to kid-friendly holiday events around the city such as City Sidewalks or Jolly Days, going to see Christmas lights, staying in many nights to watch Christmas movies and the glow of our Christmas tree, being snowed in from the blizzard of 2012,  spending Christmas with the hubs or ringing in the new year with my love…..Instagram was there for me! 



            Those were all fun times that didn’t make it to the blog in 2012, but I’ve had good reason.  Here we go….I’m gonna be a little bit vulnerable and let you in on the main reason I’ve been off the blog lately, and why I am so looking forward to putting 2012 behind me and venturing into 2013.  You see, I’ve been going through some extensive hormone therapy for fertility the past few months, and staying off the blog was just one less stress to worry about during that time.  The truth is that we have spent much of 2012 struggling with infertility.  I can tell you that journeying through infertility has been the biggest heartache of my life.  I can’t explain to you the raw emotions that I have gone through this past year as this issue, for the first time in my life, was brought to my attention.  I am twenty-eight years old, and up until a few months ago, I never had any clue that I may not ever be able to feel a baby kick inside of me, hear its heart beat for the first time or go through the pain and joy of labor and delivery. There is a part of me that feels like I’ve had something taken from me that was never mine to begin with.  I have not mentioned this on my blog at all, and to be honest, I have not mentioned this to hardly anyone.  Only few people in our lives even know that this has been an ongoing struggle for us in 2012.  It took months of tests and blood work to find the exact problem with why we haven’t been able to conceive.  Once we found the problem, we started treating it with hormone therapy.  I started the hormone therapy in October, and it has literally made my body feel as if it has been pregnant for three months.  I’ve been nauseous, had horrible mood swings, been bloated,  struggled with fatigue, dealt with night sweats and gosh awful hot flashes, and worst of all I have had the weight gain.  All of these things were to be expected with the therapy.  I was told that some women gain 20lbs in three rounds of the therapy…..I’ve gained 15, and it sucks.  The hormone therapy did its job in getting my body to do what it needed to do to get pregnant, but the side effects of the medication actually interfered with another aspect of my infertility that I  have been dealing with, making it impossible for me to get pregnant with the hormone therapy alone.  The Friday before Christmas, I was told by my OBGYN that while miracles do happen, it is unlikely that I will ever be able to have a baby on my own, and she suggested IVF or IUI, both of those still require the hormone therapy.  I really can't explain to you what I felt in that moment, and I'm not going to try to put into words at this time.  I can tell you that we had already ruled out IVF from the beginning.  If we are going to spend 10k on having a baby, it will be for an adoption.  We have, however, considered IUI.   At this point my OBGYN has done all that she can do and has referred us to an RE.  We have an appointment with him next week to see if we want to continue down this journey of fertility treatments.  We are also working on getting an appointment with an adoption agency this month.  Adoption was always a first choice for us.  My husband is adopted, and it is something that is very important to us and close to our hearts.  We just always thought that we would have one or two biological children before we journeyed down the road of adoption.  It’s now been made clear to us that we have no idea where the road will take us.  Our job is just to pray and let God lead….no matter how much sorrow we come across along the way.

            So why am I sharing this with all of you now, you ask?  To be honest...I don't know.  I've kept this part of  my life really private up until now, but there is no denying that when I sit back and reflect on 2012, this journey has been a big part of our year and will probably be a big part of 2013 for us.   I'm not looking for sympathy.  Even when the few people who do know bring it up around me and show sympathy, I feel really awkward and the reality of my situation just seems to sting me a little more.  I know that is not their intentions, that's just the way it is.  I'm  also not looking for advice.  Honestly, that part can be a little annoying to me.  When people say have you tried this or have you tried that, I want to scream and say YES, I've tried it all and NOTHING works.  I especially don't want any "naturalist" out there telling me how bad medications are for me.  After trying everything natural, I found that I had no choice but to seek medical help.  I'm well aware of the side effects of medication.  If medication can help get  me pregnant, then the pros outweigh the cons in my opinion.   If anything, I think I seek your prayer.  Prayer for guidance in our decision making regarding fertility, and prayer that the Lord continues to give me strength and grace as we go through this journey.  I’m sure that I will eventually blog in detail about our journey through infertility.  Writing about it may even end up being a little theraputic for me, but hopefully it will also let others going through similar situations know that they are not alone. 
          As I enter a new year, I am anxious to see what God has for us.  Whether He has us get pregnant through IUI, begin the process of adoption or out of the blue blesses us with a miracle baby without the help of doctors, I know that He is in control of it all. The unknown is a scary thing, and I have no idea what is in store for us as we go into this next year.  I hold fast to the truths that I know are mine to claim as we continue to put one foot in front of the other and go down this path.  God doesn’t give us more than we can handle.  He knows all my tomorrows, and He’ll hold my hand along the way.  Happy new year everyone…..may God bless all of us in whatever way He sees fit in 2013.