Slow down child, I have something better for you ahead....

One of my January goals was to read and write more.  My writing is not the most fluid or articulate, but there is something about my fingers methodically tapping this keyboard that brings comfort.  Whether on a computer screen or a piece of paper, taking the thoughts from my head and making them both tactile and visual, has always been somewhat therapeutic for me.

As for my reading, I’m finishing up book number three, and have three more books on my “to-read soon list”.  This past week’s book was one of those “good for my soul” books.  The kind of book that I picked up, because I knew it would be beneficial to me in my current state of life.  Entitled Wait and See, it is part a memoir about the author’s own season of waiting in her life, and part a study on the life of David and his season of waiting, the years he was fleeing from Saul before becoming king. 

As I had anticipated, this book has at times made me cringe.  Not because it was poorly written.  I cringe because there are things written on those pages, that at times are piercing and feel as if the words were meant for my eyes to read, to remind me of where I have been and all that God has done for me.

Not tool long ago, I was sitting around a table with a group of peers and was sharing with them that if I could sum up my adult life in one phrase, it would be God whispering in my ear “Just wait child, I have something better for you ahead.”  At the time of that conversation, my life was looking very much how I thought it would look in my mid twenties, only as I was sharing this story, I was in my early thirties. 

Here I am nearly a year later, yet again in a place where the next big thing I had planned for my life is not going the way I thought it would go.  My plan, this plan that is a good plan – even a God-honoring plan, is in the process of being delayed, being redirected, or being completely derailed. 

Over the past few months, as I have had to watch my plans unravel, I have once again found myself in a place where I realize I have to let go of all control.  This is sadly a reoccurring theme in my life, and for this girl who likes all things orderly, letting go of the control will probably always be a life-lesson I will need to learn over and over again.   

I confess that it has been harder to trust the truths that I know to be true this time around, as this change of plans was not a clear closed door and came about due to circumstances that brought wounds to my soul.  Things that once seemed safe and secure, instantly felt shaky and unstable.  What I thought I knew, in an instant became an unknown.  But these things I do know.

I know my God is good.  He is good all the time, regardless of my circumstances. 

I know my God loves me.  He loves me, even if I don’t feel loved in life’s moments.

I know my God allows the hard things, not to hurt me, but to help heal me.  When I fall, He wants to pick me up.  When I feel lost, He wants me to look at Him for direction, to be my compass when the winds of life blow and I don’t know where to turn next. 

I know He wants to fight my battles for me.  And when I am wounded and feel I can’t go any farther, he wants to carry me to a place where I can be healed.

I know that I have walked through seasons of waiting in my past.  In hindsight they are sweet seasons.  Seasons where I grew.  Seasons where I was made better.  Seasons where when I look back, I can see God had bigger and better things for me ahead.  Everything from my husband, to our vocations, to our home, to our children – they all came to me later than what I had planned. Over and over again, I can see that in waiting on God to bring into fruition the right time and circumstances for me to move forward, my waiting has been a sweet time that He has always used to bring me closer to Him.

The ring on my finger at age 20 wasn’t the right ring, because it wasn’t from the right man.  A good man, but not the man for me.  The right ring from the right man would come along five years later at age 25.  In that five year wait, I gained an independent lifestyle, but at the same time learned to depend on God for my every need.  I had to come to a place where I was content to never marry, before God brought the right man along in the right time, in the most unexpected ways. A man that was more than I ever expected. God’s plans were better than my plans.

The house in the subdivision down the street is a nice and lovely house.  It’s a house we almost bought.  But things fell through in a painful way with that house, and for a full year we had to wait, watching so many houses sell at all-time lows in a buyers market, before our house would finally sell.  When I finally accepted that we didn’t have to move, that our small house was just fine….well, that’s when our house finally sold.  When I walked into our current home for the first time, I knew it wasn’t just a house, but a house I wanted to make our home and raise our family.  It was a bigger and better home than the house in the subdivision down the street.  It was more than I was expecting.  God’s plans were better than my plans.

When my husband lost his job, and I could not understand why, there was a time of waiting for him to find a new job.  When he accepted a job that I did not want him to take, I could not see at the time that with that decision, the time would come for me to want to stay home with our children, and that job would be the job that would give him opportunity after opportunity to finically provide for our family in bigger ways than I could have ever expected.  God’s plans were better than my plans.

When we struggled to conceive children, I had to come to a place of accepting the fact that even if I never conceived a baby, God was still good.  When I finally got to that place of acceptance, God went over and beyond my expectations.  He gave me two babies, when I only asked for one.  And just because sometimes He wants to show me how good He really is, He naturally opened my womb again and gave me a baby girl.  More than I ever expected! God’s plans were better than my plans.

And so now here I am again, accepting that even though my plans are good and noble plans - plans that I will not give a name or description to in this specific post – it’s either not the right timing for my plan, or it’s not the right plan.

So for now, I wait, and I thank Him for what He has given me, for it is much more than I deserve or ever thought I would have.  And I learn from the lessons that need to be learned during this wait, and I grow in ways I need to grow.  And I focus on the important things in life that mean more to me than my plans - like being the best wife and mom I know how to be.  And I watch God do work in the circumstance around me, and in doing so, I witness His grace in my life, and know that He is good even in the hurt. 

And I trust.  I trust His ways are better than my ways.  That God has a better plan.  A plan that might not look anything like what I thought it would look like, or perhaps like in times past, a plan that in time may be even better than what I originally desired.  I trust that in a couple of years, when I look back at where I am now, I will still be able to say that even in this moment I sensed God whispering in my ear, “Slow down child, I have something better for you ahead.”

I want a legacy like Hannah's....

There are few things in life that I undoubtedly know.  One of those things is that motherhood changed me, and it changed me for the better. 

Motherhood makes me second-guess everything I've ever known about raising children.  Makes me question if I'm doing or saying the right thing.  Makes me wonder what impact my choices will have on my children.

Motherhood makes the love I feel for my children greater than the anger I feel when they make poor choices.  It is a love that is unconditional.  It is a selfless love.

Motherhood brings me to my knees when I feel overwhelmed and need grace to get me through my day.

And motherhood brings me to my knees again when I feel overwhelmed with gratitude and can't help but thank God for each day He has given me with my three precious gifts.  These three little ones He has given to me to love and raise up.  What a gift!  And yet, what a responsibility!

Yes, without a doubt, motherhood has changed me.

Some might say that motherhood is their purpose in life.  Perhaps it is.  Or perhaps it is just our purpose for a particular season in life.  This past week, my mind has wondered from what my purpose in motherhood is, to what my legacy in motherhood will be.

I think that both my purpose in motherhood and my legacy in motherhood are intertwined, but this morning, I want to focus on the latter, as it has been on my mind quite a bit this week with a study I've been doing on the book of 1 Samuel. 

If you've grown up in the church, then chapter one of 1 Samuel is oh-so-familiar.  Hannah’s story is one where her desire to become a mother was so great that she found herself heartbroken, desperately pleading with God for a child.  I can relate.  Perhaps that's why I love Hannah's story so much.  My eyes still get teary-eyed every time I read verse 27 of chapter one.

God answered Hannah's prayer, and Hannah was faithful to give the child back to God after he was weaned.  Hannah’s legacy has lived on for thousands of years. She is known for being a faithful mother of prayer, and the mother of a great man of God.  She is the mother of Samuel!  What a legacy she has!

But then in the next few chapters, there is a less familiar story.   Another parent will have a legacy too.  In this case it will be a father.  His name is Eli.  His legacy looks nothing like Hannah’s legacy.  He was a priest, the same priest who found Hannah praying in the temple in chapter one. Unlike Hannah, who is known for being the mother of a righteous man in Israel’s history, Eli is known for being the parent of two vile young men who disgraced the holiness of God. 

I have no idea what kind of a parent Eli was.  He may have been a great dad.  The Bible doesn’t say.  What the Bible does tell us is that Eli was aware of what his sons were doing, but nowhere does the passage read that Eli addressed these issues with his sons.  In fact, the story reads that Eli enjoyed some of the physical benefits of his sons' wrongdoing.  As a result, God took His blessings off of Eli and his family.  His sons were killed in a great battle that Israel thought they would win.  Not only did Israel lose the battle, their enemy took Israel's prized possession, their holy grail if you will, the Ark of the Covenant.   When Eli heard the news, the passage reads that he fell over dead. 

I realize that I can not make life decisions for my children, as we have all been given free-will.  What the future holds for my children is still unknown and will be determined by the choices they make along the way. No matter what my children's lives look like over the next 20-30 years, I hope I leave a legacy for them that can someday be described as: a faithful mother of prayer who loved her children with her whole heart, but loved God more.  That’s what I think of when I think of Hannah. 

Eli and Hannah both left behind a legacy of their parenthood, as will all of us who have been given the gift of raising children. I hope I have a legacy like Hannah's.  How about you?

Seeking slow and simple.....

When I was a kid, I hated the post-holiday season.  It was as if there was all of this hype that led up to one special day, December 25, and just like that it was gone as soon as my head hit the pillow Christmas night.   Like a needle pinning a balloon, the day quickly disappeared, and with it the excitement and nostalgia of the season.

Truth be told, I probably hated this time of year as a child, because I hated winter.  I hated January.  It always seemed painfully slow, bitterly cold, sadly dark and dreary.  And after the fast-paced excitement of whimsical wonder that November and December bring, it always felt like January would never end!

Indiana winters are long and rather unpleasant, filled with overcast skies and barren trees and fields.  Even now as a grownup, I still dislike our winters.  But unlike when I was a child, there is something about January that my adult-self now looks forward to.  More than just a fresh start and newfound resolutions, January seems to grow on me with each passing year, simply because it is the SLOWEST month of the year.  The very thing that I despised about this month as a child, has now become a breath of fresh air to me as an adult.  The thing about adulting is that it has led me to not only crave slow on occasion, but to genuinely NEED a time for slow.

And so this January, I’m reveling in the slow.  I’m seeking out the simple and sublime.  Because the past few months, I have felt a little tattered and worn.  More than just the usual tired from holiday festivities and events, but tired and worn from life events. 

As 2016 came to a close, I was feeling beat down, and I knew that every part of me, mind-body-soul, needed to take a step back for a time of rest and reflection.  Not the easiest thing to do for a mama of three little ones, but a necessary thing for me to do to be the best mama I can be for my babies.

Can I tell you that it has only been nine days, but I’m already feeling better.  Feeling a little more energized.  Feeling a little more joyful.  Because on occasion, simple brings joy. Choosing slow and simple allows my mind to focus on what is important, and my body to do what is important. 

This week I have said no to running errands  with the kids, and yes to pajama days with the kids.  I have said not now to household chores, and yes to play time with my boys.  I have said no to cooking big meals all week, and yes to eating simple, healthy meals.  I have said no to some social outings, and yes to alone time.  I have said no to my group Bible studies, and yes to solo studies.

Is there anything wrong with the above list?  Nope.  In fact, I don’t really recommend never leaving the house, staying in pajamas and becoming a hermit.  That’s actually a great way to become depressed.  We were designed to need people and to need a sense of community.  However, the introverted part of me needed a recharge, and I find that January is a perfect time to recharge.

January will come and go, and my calendar and commitments will fill up.  But I hope in 2017, I don’t allow myself to get so caught up in the hustle and bustle of day to day living, that I overlook the joy found in the simple.

This year, I want to DO less each day.

I want to read more, write more and play more.

To enjoy more.  To enjoy my kids more! 

To live in the moment more.

To stop and see gratitude in the little things.

While slow-paced is not who I am, this year I want to slow down enough to see the joy in the simple moments, without having to seek those moments out.

This year, I want slow and simple.  How about you?