Infertility Update: We are Pregnant!

 

 

For this child have I prayed; and the Lord hath given me my petition which I asked of him: I Samuel 1:27

 

For those of you following our infertility journey, you know that by now Matt and I should have known if our treatment plan for July worked, or if we needed to move onto our treatment plan for August.

 

I am very excited to share with you all…

 

…that our July fertility treatments WORKED!!!!

 

YES, we are PREGNANT!!!!

 

 

          The above picture was taken last week.  We have known about this exciting news for a few days, but decided not to share the news until we went through two rounds of beta testing to confirm that the baby is developing as it should be and that the pregnancy is viable….meaning that at this point, there are no signs of an upcoming miscarriage.   If I didn’t have this blog as my platform to open up about our journey with infertility, I’m certain that we would not be sharing our joyous news this early in the pregnancy.  I guarantee, we would wait until the first trimester was over to go public with this news.  However, since so many people do know where we are at on our journey, it would be really hard to keep such news a secret for long;)

          In some ways, I think going through the valley of infertility has robbed us of the normal pregnancy experience that most people get to enjoy.  For most people, a pregnancy may go something like this: you take an HPT and find out you're pregnant, celebrate with those you love, schedule your first OB ultrasound for around 8wks (fully expecting to hear the baby’s heartbeat and share a very happy moment with your significant other), plan fun ways to publicly announce your pregnancy (maybe with a fun photo shoot thanks to all of the wonderful Pinterest ideas), and then go on your merry way for the remainder of the pregnancy enjoying (or maybe not-so-enjoying) all of the things that come along with being pregnant.   

 

          For us, it is a little different.  We are trying to take one thing at a time.  We have what we are calling our pregnancy hurdles. We've already had two hurdles, and we're not even quite five weeks pregnant yet.  We had to get through two rounds of blood work this week, and the next hurdle is our first ultrasound.  As many who struggle with infertility know, getting pregnant is one thing (one really BIG thing for us, because we have not been able to achieve it until now), but staying pregnant is another.  The same factors that contributed to our infertility also put us at a high risk for an early miscarriage.  The doctors are keeping a close eye on me.  So far so good, but it’s still really early in our pregnancy.

     When I took my HPT (home pregnancy test), it was the first and only HPT I took this cycle.  I took the test at 13DPO (days past ovulation) fully expecting a negative result.  I mean, of course I always hope for a positive, but the reality is that I’ve probably taken over a hundred HPTs since we’ve been trying to get pregnant, so I am groomed to expect a negative.  Plus it was still early….before an expected period…and I didn’t ovulate until CD16.  Imagine my surprise when I immediately saw two pink lines and realized we were very PREGNANT!  I was elated to say the least.  From our bathroom, I screamed to Matt, who was still in bed, that WE WERE PREGNANT!!!!  He jumped out of bed, even more surprised by the news than me, and we hugged each other and cried for what seemed like a very long time. I mean, we cried!!!!  We rejoiced and gave thanks for what we knew was a miracle!  I was screaming and crying with such emotion that words could not even come out of my mouth!  Matt too was crying with joy, and he rarely cries.  

          That exciting moment could only last a short time before my reality set in.  I knew that whenever we did get pregnant, I was at a high risk for a miscarriage.  I called my RE first thing that morning, and they wanted me to come in for beta testing immediately.  I was a little apprehensive about the results of my blood work.  For most women, a postive HPT would be enough to keep them excited, but I only had a few hours to enjoy the HPT before worrying about the bloodwork.  I knew they were not only looking at my HCG levels but also my progesterone levels.  Progesterone is vital to achieving and maintaining a pregnancy.  I do not make enough progesterone on my own, so I am prescribed progesterone post ovulation and will have to take it until 10 weeks of pregnancy.  Three hours after I had my blood drawn, the nurse called with my results.  Fortunately, the progesterone levels looked good!  The HCG results were also good in my first round of betas!  I mean.... VERY good!!!  HCG is the hormone that a woman’s body makes during pregnancy, and an HPT is positive when HCG levels are as low as 5.  I was only 4 weeks pregnant and my HCG levels were 362.  Implantation occurs anywhere from 7-12DPO, and then HCG is usually detected 48 hours after implantation.  Doctors are looking for HCG to double every 48 hours.  The fact that I was only at 13DPO when I tested and my numbers were at 362, meant that I was probably MORE than doubling my HCG levels every 48 hours prior to our first beta tests.  That was very exciting to say the least! 

 

          Even with that high number of HCG, we still had some concern.  We had to go back after 48 hours to see if my numbers had doubled.  The doctors needed to make sure my numbers were doubling, and the only way to do that is to have more blood work done and compare the two results.  This was probably the most nerve-racking part for me so far. Even though my first beta results were high, it didn’t mean anything if they didn’t double in my next beta results.  If my numbers didn't double, it indicated that my body was rejecting the pregnancy, potentially leading to an early miscarriage.  I’ll admit that doubt began to creep into my mind, as I anxiously waited three hours for the test results.  I certainly wondered if this was all too good to be true.  To be honest, I will probably still have a lot of those moments throughout this pregnancy, considering how hard it was for us to even get to this point. When the phone call came with the second tests results, taken 72 hours after the first, they came back at 1,783.  YAY!!! They more than doubled.  The doctors seemed happy enough with those results to not order any more betas for me, and we do not have to go back to the RE until August 21, for our very first OB ultrasound! I have had numerous fertility ultrasounds, so it is very exciting to know the doctors will be looking for a baby instead of just looking for something wrong with, what I have come to call, my broken ovaries and uterus.

          We are excited about our first OB ultrasound, but also a little nervous.  Again, when you’re told you are at a high risk for a miscarriage, it kind of makes you on edge.  The ultrasound will put us around 6wks 5dys.  We are praying that we hear a healthy baby’s heartbeat during our first ultrasound and are given the green light to leave the care of our RE and move onto the care of an OB.  I think when I finally hear the baby’s heart beat I will be able to relax a little and this whole thing will seem more real for me.  Even if the ultrasound turns out fine, I think the first trimester is still going to be the scariest part of this pregnancy for me, simply because the first trimester is when the risk for a miscarriage is at its highest.

 

          So that’s where we are on our journey.  A pregnancy has been achieved, and we are currently at 4wks 3 days!  It is still VERY early, so please keep us in your prayers.  We are thankful for the positive HPT and the good results from my blood work.  We also know we still have a very long road ahead of us, and these next few weeks are critical.  Thank you to all who prayed for me and encouraged me through this journey.  Infertility is probably the hardest thing that I have ever had to go through, and at times I thought that I would never be able to write a blog post announcing a pregnancy. There was no greater feeling of defeat for me than when I was told that we may never be able to get pregnant, even with fertility treatments.  Infertility has groomed me to expect disappointment, but today I do not write about our disappointment… I write about our excitement and joy.  To my friends who, like me, know infertility all too well, never give up hope.  God is the God of miracles.  My journey is only proof of that.

 

 

 

To read more about our journey through infertility, click the following links:
 

Looking back on 2012 and Looking forward to 2013

 

IUI Scheduled For February

 

Explaining an IUI

 

Why go Public with Something so Private

 

The Beginning of a Long Process

 

The Raw Emotions of It All

IUI Results

Beginning Treatments Again

 

Infertility Update: Beginning Treatments Again

I’ve been really bad about keeping up with my blog this summer, but I wanted to give a quick infertility update.  My last post about our journey, stated that we were going to be starting more treatments this summer, and a few people have recently inquired about how our treatments are going.  After a much needed break from treatments following our failed IUI in February, we did indeed begin more fertility treatments at the beginning of July. Here’s a quick infertility recap since my last post in March:

While we weren’t seeking treatments this past spring, I did still use OPKS (ovulations predictor kits) each month, simply so I knew if my body was ovulating on its own or not.  Before we can receive the miracle of pregnancy, we needed the miracle of ovulation.  Since that didn’t happen in March, April or May, there wasn’t much to hope for as far as a pregnancy was concerned.  No ovulation….no pregnancy.  The only good thing about not ovulating for those three months was that I didn’t stress out each month waiting to see if I was pregnant.

 

We had planned on starting treatments in June, but since we were taking our summer vacation in June, we pushed treatments back to July.  Our prayer was that God would provide a miracle for us, and we would get pregnant before our planned treatments in July.  But if He chose not to allow us to get pregnant during that time, we would take that as a sign to go forward with our planned treatments.  For a short time, we thought we may have actually gotten our miracle. 

 

After three anovulatory cycles, I finally got a positive OPK in June!  I can’t tell you how excited we were!  Our positive OPK came the very first day of our summer vacation.  We thought it was such perfect timing, because we would be able to relax and enjoy one another during that week.  Even though the positive OPK came a little later than we wanted, on day 16 of my cycle, we were still excited to know that my body was actually trying to ovulate on its own.  However, the next day, I tested again….and the OPK was still positive.  If you use OPKs, you know that a positive test indicates ovulation within 24 hours.  The fact that my test was still positive indicated that I had not yet ovulated.  I was little disheartened at that point, because that put my cycle day at 17, making for a late ovulation and an even shorter amount of time for my body to fertilize an egg and implant a pregnancy.  And then I tested again the next day….and wouldn’t you know the test was still positive.  At that point I was sitting in our little cottage in Maine, crying my eyes out.  I felt like I had built my hopes up, only to have them be crushed!  The fact that I had three positive days of testing in a row, indicated that my body was having a hard time releasing an egg, and there was a chance it wouldn’t release an egg at all.  Considering that it was already day 18 of my cycle, and I only had ten days left of my very accurate cycle, I was losing hope in getting pregnant that month. 

 

I didn’t test for ovulation again after that night.  I was all out of tests, and I didn’t want it to ruin our vacation by focusing on test results.  We know for sure if I did release an egg in June, we spent our vacation fertilizing it;)  When we got back from our vacation, I immediately started taking progesterone.  My body doesn’t make enough on its own, and it is vital in achieving a pregnancy.  We did everything that we knew how to do to achieve a pregnancy in June. My basal body temps were remaining high towards the end of my cycle, and I was four days late….all a good sign of a possible pregnancy.  However, I also knew that the progesterone I was taking can cause both of those things to happen as well….but still, I hung onto hope.  All hope was lost, when my basal body temperature plummeted on the 4^th of July and soon after a new cycle started.  I’m not going to lie….June was a very disappointing month for us.  I took it pretty hard.  We really thought we might have had it that month. We really thought God was going to answer our prayers, but we trust that He knows best and that it just wasn’t the right time for us to get pregnant.

 

And so that brings us to July.  July was our first month back to our reproductive endocrinologist since our failed IUI in February.  Treatments started out with a lovely invasive ultrasound on a Sunday morning.  Yeah, a Sunday morning….what a way to get my day started, right?  Unfortunately, cycle days control everything about fertility treatments, and that particular ultrasound had to be done on CD3, which just happened to be very early on a Sunday morning for me. As far as our treatment plan for July, we decided to only use Famera (an ovulation stimulating drug) and timed intercourse this month as our treatment plan, followed by progesterone supplements to lengthen my luteal phase.  Famera has always brought on an ovulation by CD14 in the past, however, this month I didn’t appear to ovulate until CD16, even though I took Famera.  That was a little disheartening to say the least.

 

I’m nearing the end of my cycle and I should know soon if we need to continue treatments in August or if we had a successful month of treatments in July.  If July proves to be unsuccessful, we will move onto our treatment plan for August which includes: Famera (CD3-7), an ultrasound to measure follicles followed by trigger shot (CD13), an IUI (CD14), and then progesterone for the remaining of my cycle to lengthen the leuteal phase.  If that fails in August, we are willing to do the exact same treatment plan in September for the very last time. We have come to terms with these three months of treatments being our last attempts of fertility treatments.  I hate the idea of these few months of treatments failing, but if it comes to that, I pray that I have the grace to accept the situation for what it is.  

 

Matt and I certainly covet your prayers during this time.  It’s been said that when we, as believers, petition the Lord for something, the answer is either “yes”, “no” or “not now”.  I’ve gone to the Lord with my petitions many times over my lifetime, but never has it hurt so bad to not have the answer be “yes”.  Matt and I so very badly want the answer to be “yes”.  We are still praying for that miracle.  Even after being told that there is a good chance that we may never get pregnant, we still believe in miracles.  And yes, even if we get pregnant with the help of doctors….we still believe that to be a miracle that only God can do.  God is the giver of life….not our doctors, but we do believe that God can use our doctors to increase our chances of conceiving a life.  And yes, even if these treatments fail, we will still pray for a miracle.  We are praying that we some day not only get the joy of adoption (something that we are beyond excited about, by the way), but that we also get to experience the joys of creating a life that is a reflection of our two lives becoming one.  We’re not sure if the answer to that prayer is “no”.  The reality is that it may never be God’s plan to allow us to experience that.  He may have a different plan for us that we don’t understand right now.  When looking back on this experience many years in the future, we may have a better understanding of why we were allowed to hurt through our journey with infertility.  However, we also understand that perhaps the answer to our prayer is simply “not now.”  Again, as we are going through this, we certainly don’t understand why God is choosing to not bless us with a pregnancy right now, but we trust that in time we will be able to look back and understand that God’s hand was in all of this….even in the hurt.

 

 

 

To read more about our journey through infertility, click the following links:

 

Looking back on 2012 and Looking forward to 2013

 

IUI Scheduled For February

 

Explaining an IUI

 

Why go Public with Something so Private

 

The Beginning of a Long Process

 

The Raw Emotions of It All

 

IUI Results

Infertility Update: IUI Results

I’m just gonna come out and say it.  I don’t have good news to share.  The IUI did not result in a pregnancy.  I’m not going to express my feelings too much about it right now, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hurting.  My last post gave a little insight into the normal feelings that infertility can bring each month.  This month just seems to sting a little more because of all we put into it financially and emotionally. There are not any guarantees with any fertility treatments, and there is not any particular reason why the IUI didn’t work for us. Everything looked hopeful for us when we went in for the procedure.  With the help of doctors and medicine, they were able to do everything for my body that my body couldn’t do for itself.  We went into the procedure with good hormone levels, two good looking follicles at mid-cycle, a strong ovulation, an even stronger semen count than normal, and the timing was perfect.  I’ve been careful about my diet and rest the past two weeks.   I’ve been taking my vitamins and supplements as usual and most importantly, I’ve tried not to stress about anything…..but when it’s all said and done, my body was unsuccessful somewhere in between the fertilization and implantation process and wasn’t able to achieve a pregnancy.  For whatever reason, my body just didn’t do it.  I took yesterday to cry….cry….and cry some more.  I took a day to myself to get all the tears out of my system and accept the results for what they are.  Now we just pick up the broken pieces and do our best to move on.  

 

So here’s the next step for us……we are taking the next three months off of fertility treatments.  My body just can’t take anymore hormones being injected, and my heart can’t take anymore disappointment.  This is the first time since we’ve been trying to get pregnant that I am allowing myself to take a break.  I feel like we have given it our all; we’ve done all that we know how to do up to this point.  This is also the first time that I have a peace about allowing myself to take a break.  In the past, I would be tired and would want to take a break, but I would tell myself, “What if we haven’t tried this…..and what if that could work….what if we were quitting too soon….what if we just needed one more month?”  Now that we’ve tried everything, including an IUI, I feel like it’s ok for us to take a break.  We’ll reschedule our next IUI for June.  If that one is unsuccessful, it will be followed by a consecutive IUI in July.  If both of those fail, I think that I may have to come to terms with what will probably be the biggest heartache of my life up to this point.  Financially, IVF is not an option for us, and we can only pour so much of our resources into IUI’s.

 

I wish this was a happier post, but it is what it is.  I know I am not alone is this.  Many other women have journeyed down this same road and know all too well the disappointment that I am feeling right now.  Keep us in your prayers over the next few months.  Continually trying to get pregnant month after month may have come with some exhaustion, but the constant trying kept me busy and gave me a little hope to hang onto each month.  While I feel relieved that we can get off this roller coaster of emotions for awhile, I'm the kind of person who is a natural “doer".  I’m not very good at sitting still and doing nothing, which is sort of what we have planned for the next three months.  I like to try to fix something when it is broken.  I like to try to solve the problem.  Taking a break means that I’m not going to DO anything about the problem, which goes against my very nature.  And before someone says that I should just try again to conceive naturally, I’ve been told by doctors that even if we did get pregnant on our own, my body doesn’t make enough progesterone on its own to sustain a pregnancy past implantation.  In other words….taking a break for us is literally taking a break.  No more charting by BBT every morning….no more OPKS….no more stressing over what I eat and what kind of supplements I’m taking….no more feeling like we HAVE to have timed intercourse no matter how tired we are from our work day….no more hormones…no more medicines….no more doctor visits…no more blood work….no more two week wait…..no more peeing on a stick….no more searching on the internet for signs that maybe just maybe the stick was wrong….no more disappointment…..NO MORE…I’m done for now.  So for now, I’ll take the next three months to “Be Still”….something that I’m not very good at, but think will be really good for me…..

 

BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD
(Ps. 46:10a)

 

Infertility Update: The Raw Emotions of it All

The time is approaching.  I’m almost to the end of my month.  Soon, very soon, I will know if our IUI resulted in a pregnancy.   I will probably give an update on the blog with the results.   I am certain that if the answer is no, I will not want to share my feelings about that particular answer any time soon.  For that reason, I thought that now would be a good time to write about the raw emotions that infertility can bring.  Hopefully it will bring insight to those who have never had to walk this journey, and those walking this journey can hopefully relate. 

I have probably spent the last decade not feeling much of anything.  I’ve kind of had the mentality that life is life….suck it up and deal with it.  My husband even jokes with me in saying that I am the man in the marriage when it comes to feelings…..as in, I don’t have any.  Can I just say that journeying through infertility has brought up more than enough emotions to make up for the last decade of not having any.  I can’t remember the last time that I have cried the way that I have cried these last few months.  And I certainly can’t remember the last time I have let myself hurt the way that I have hurt these last few months.

 

Before I begin, let me remind you that these are my feelings, and everyone’s feelings are different.  These are just my emotions in a typical month.  I hope this post is helpful for some.

 

In a given month I FEEL………

Driven – For me, the month usually begins without any feelings at all.  I try not to think too much about the end results and just focus on what I need to do to get the end result that I so desperately want.

 

Hormonal –Thanks to hormonal medications I may, out of the blue cry for hours, feel depressed or want to shout and scream for no apparent reason.  I remind myself that it’s not how I really feel….it’s just how the meds occasionally make me feel.

 

Hopeful – I call the first half of the month the good part of the cycle, because there is still hope. Hope that everything will work out the way I want it to.  Hope that my body will do what it needs to do.  Hope that I will see two pink lines at the end of the month.  Hope that God will “hear my cry and answer it.”  I admit that hope fades with each month of disappointment. I tend to go into the month thinking that the less hope I have, the less it will hurt if we don’t get pregnant.  The truth is that it hurts the same regardless of how much or how little hope I have.

Anxious – I usually feel very anxious as I get to the end of the two week wait.  I know that by this point in the month, I have done all that I could have possibly done and that I have no control over the end result.  Even so, I can’t help but have some anxiety and even a little worry as testing time approaches.

 

Disappointed – If the end of the month went as I hoped it would, I would feel nothing but joy, excitement and relief.  Unfortunately, I’ve only had to deal with a whole other mix of emotions at the end of each month.  Disappointment is a feeling that I know all too well.  If I could describe infertility with two words, disappointment would be one of them.  To me, putting my body through everything that I have put it through, and then still getting a negative pregnancy test, is quite possibly the most disappointing feeling I’ve ever had in my life.

Defeated – I kind of go into each month like I’m going into battle.  I take on this personal enemy of mine called infertility with one goal in mind….to conquer it.  And then, the test comes back negative, and I feel like anyone else would feel if they just lost a battle.  I feel defeated.

 

Frustrated – Again, if I could describe infertility in two words, this would be the first word that comes to mind.  I find nothing more frustrating than trying so hard for something while having absolutely no control over the end results!  I find nothing more frustrating than committing such great amounts of my time, energy and resources into trying to get pregnant, only to have it end in failure and have to start all over the next month!  I find nothing more frustrating than feeling like my body is broken!  I find nothing more frustrating than knowing that, as a woman, my body was designed by my Creator to bear children, yet my body won’t do what it was designed to do! 

Angry – I try to not let myself feel this too much, and for the most part I am successful.  I will admit at times, it does show itself.  I think my anger is sometimes directed at myself or even at God for allowing the circumstance.  In reality, I’m not angry with myself or even God.  I’m usually just angry at the actual circumstance and the fact that I have absolutely no control over it.

Exhausted – As the month ends, I am exhausted.  Once a test has confirmed that the month was unsuccessful in producing a pregnancy, I feel like I don’t know if I can do it all over again.  I’ll be honest; I’m tired of trying to get pregnant.  I’m tired of going through the same thing each month.  Many people think that trying to get pregnant is all fun and games, but for us it is WORK! 

 

Hurt - Above all else, I feel hurt.  Hurt that my plans are not His plans, and hurt that I don’t understand His plans.  For the most part the hurt is short-lived.  It’s not like I walk around all day with a sad face on, saying “WOE IS ME”.  I live my life like normal, and if I weren’t so vocal on my blog about our circumstances, I really doubt that anyone in my real life would even know about the hurt. I have had to learn that it is ok to hurt.  I usually allow myself a day or two to cry and sulk, before picking the pieces back up and starting all over again the next month. I allow myself to take some alone time and not feel bad about needing that alone time.   I think that a lot of people can look at women who struggle with infertility and confuse their hurt for other things like jealousy or bitterness.  Take last month for example.  The day we found out I wasn’t pregnant was the same day that we had plans to go to a Sunday school outing with several other couples our age.  I’ll be quite honest with you; I just couldn’t go that night.  I couldn’t handle being around pregnant women or other couples talking about their growing families on that particular night.  It just hurt too bad to be around that sort of thing when we had just gotten such disappointing news.  We certainly didn’t announce that as our reason for not going to the outing.  Unless someone from my class is reading this blog post right now, no one would even know about it.  That also means that no one came to me and said that I was an awful person for not going for that particular reason.  My point is that someone from the outside looking in could easily confuse my hurt with bitterness.  Hurting doesn’t mean that I am jealous of other pregnant couples or bitter that we are not pregnant.  I wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone, and I am so happy that others get to experience motherhood without any difficulty.  It also doesn’t mean that people who are pregnant should be sensitive around people like me who have such difficulty getting pregnant.  Pregnant women should be able to share their good news and talk about the exciting things that are going on in their life.  However, I think that fertile women need to not be upset to know that most infertile women can’t help but feel a little hurt when they hear someone announcing a pregnancy…..or when they see a FB status showing “my baby’s progress at so many weeks” or “my baby is the size of a certain fruit”.  And I think that infertile women need to not let themselves feel guilty for feeling this way.  Don’t misunderstand me.  Fertile women should keep doing those things like normal, but infertile women should not feel guilty about feeling those feelings like NORMAL! It doesn’t make you an awful person.  IT IS NORMAL!  It just means that sometimes someone else’s good news, that we are of course happy they are experiencing, can also bring to remembrance of our not so good news, leaving a hurtful feeling inside that only lasts for a moment.  If we allow the hurt to lead to bitterness, it can destroy us….but I also believe that if we don’t allow ourselves to hurt than that too can be harmful to us.

 

Guilt - I try really hard to not feel this, and I’m getting much better at it.   I think that sometimes we, as Christians, can look at verses like “rejoice in the Lord always”, “in everything give thanks” and “all things work together for good” and feel as though we have to repent for feeling the above emotions that I mentioned.  Can I just say that I don’t think that it is wrong to feel hurt….or wrong to feel any of the emotions that I mentioned above for that matter! God created the human body to have emotions.  He created hurt, and He is allowing me to walk through the hurt for reasons that at this time I cannnot understand. I think of people in the Bible like Hannah who wept over her barrenness….or people like David who wept over the loss of his son.  One would not look at those Biblical accounts and say that they should have been overjoyed with their circumstance.  So then why do we sometimes feel guilty because we are not overjoyed with our circumstances?  If we let the emotions that I have mentioned above take over our life, it can obviously become a problem.  But to feel guilty for feeling those emotions is to me just making the situation worse.  I also think that we can feel guilty because in comparison to other problems in the world, infertility is minor.  I know I have thought to myself that there are so many bigger things going on in the world, so why should I bother God with my tiny little problem?  My hurt may be small in comparison to others, but I serve a God who cares for both the big and the small.  I had to remind myself that my God even “cares about the sparrows”.  Hurt is hurt, and He cares about my hurt.  No matter how small my hurt seems to the rest of world, He desires to comfort me and carry me through it…..so I shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling it.

Adoption Update: The beginning of a long process....

        

          If you’ve read my blog lately, you know I’ve been giving several fertility updates.  Today I want to give an adoption update.   A few months ago, I announced that we were beginning the process of adoption.  Today I want to explain how we came to that decision and exactly where we are in the adoption process.

            Adoption has always been a first choice for us. The fact that we have been struggling with infertility really has nothing to do with our decision to adopt.  My husband has a heart for adoption, because he was adopted from Taiwan when he was three.  I have a heart for adoption, because God put a burden in my heart for the orphans many years ago.  Before we got married, adoption was something that we talked about, and we both really wanted for our family. 

            While our struggle with infertility has not had any impact on our decisions to adopt, it has had an impact on our decision of when to adopt. We always thought that we would have a few kids biologically before we started the process of adoption, because we didn’t think that we could afford adoption until later on in our marriage.  Facing infertility has forced us to face the fact that we may not ever be able to get pregnant, no matter how hard we try.  In November of this past year, after being disappointed once again that another month passed without a pregnancy, we decided that perhaps it was time to start getting serious about adoption; however, we weren’t finished seeking fertility treatments.  For us, that meant that we would seek both adoption and fertility at the same time.

            It’s been said by many that God is in the adoption process.  That He opens and closes doors along the way, as He leads in certain directions.  Even in this very early phase of our adoption process, we have seen His leading.  After we agreed to start getting serious about adoption, the first thing that I did was reach out to a Facebook friend who I knew recently adopted.  She was, of course, encouraging as she answered some of my questions and shared a little of her story with me.  She also said something in our FB messages that really pulled on my heart strings.  She said, “My counsel to everyone that I talk to is that if God has tugged on your heart in even the smallest way concerning adoption, and finances is the most scary/concerning part about the entire process, then RUN TO IT!!! God will take care of that part.”  She went on to say, “It is expensive, I will not lie. however, I always refer back to my statement before--God's heart is for the orphan. He WILL take care of the costs--guarantee because HE commands us to care for orphans.” After reading her FB message, I began to weep.  Some of my tears may have been from the crazy hormones I was taking for fertilty, but the majority of my tears were because I knew that God was wanting us to step out in faith and begin our adoption journey.  God just used her words to confirm it. 

            We committed ourselves to adoption that very night, and the research part of adoption began immediately.  We spent hours looking over the facts.  This part can be overwhelming, because there is so much to learn about adoption if you are first-timers like us. In the midst of our research we stumbled onto a website of a local organization that deals with certain aspects of adoption here in Indy.  While on that page, we came across a name.  The name that we came across was the name of Matt’s best man’s wife’s sister, who my husband had actually met on a few occasions.  She happens to oversee home studies for international adoptions with her organization. To us that was another sign.  We wrote her contact info down and decided to reach out to her after the holidays were over. 

            At the beginning of January we were really focused on our fertility, because we had started working with an RE.  We hadn’t reached out to our contact yet…..and that’s when another GOD thing happened.  Out of the blue a friend from church, who had no idea that we wanted to adopt, came to me and said, “I know you and Matt are having trouble conceiving.  Have you ever thought about adoption?”  She went on to explain her reason for asking such a question.  Someone had, out of the blue, come to her and asked if she knew anyone who wanted to adopt.  Long story short, there potentially was a baby that needed to be placed into a home within a month, and the family wanted the baby placed in a Christian home.  As she was telling me all of this, I had done enough research on adoption to know that what she inquiring about could probably not happen for us in that short of a timeframe.  What she didn’t know is that God used her words to give us another big push to once again focus on adoption. 

            A meeting was set up with our contact for the following weekend.  We went into the conversation with a huge list of questions about adoption, and they were all answered!  We left the conversation with an application for international adoption and a list of agencies that work with Chinese adoptions. When we got our application, we filled it out right away.  The next step was choosing an agency.  We looked over the list that was sent to us and began to research the agencies one by one.  We were really curious about one agency that was within driving distance from Indy.  We arranged a conference call with them, and by the time that call was over we felt confident that we had made the right choice.

            After our call with the adoption agency, we felt really good about our decision to adopt from China.  The only downside to our conversation is that we were told that we would need to wait until August to really dig into all of the paperwork.  China won’t accept our paperwork until I turn 30, and the paperwork can not be more than six months old when they receive it.  That means that the next five months are simply waiting.  That was a little discouraging at first, but we feel confident that we have done what we need to do up to this point.  In the meantime, we can look over the list of special needs the agency gave us to see what kind of special needs we are comfortable with for our adoption.  We can also research the travel part of our adoption.  And of course we can save our money and pray while we wait.  We are told we will spend about $30,000 when it is all said and done. I believe that this incredible journey will be worth every penny!

             So that pretty much sums it up.  That’s where we are with the adoption process.  We are in a state of waiting!  The plan is to dig into the paperwork in August, send the paperwork to China next February, and then we are told that on average it takes 18 months from there before we are told to travel to China, meet our child and finalize the adoption.  Bottom line is that it is going to be a long, expensive process.   I’ll keep updates coming, but I don’t foresee any updates for a few months.  All I can say is that I can’t wait for August:)

Infertility Update: Why go public with something so private?

         If you’ve read my blog lately, you know that I have started being really open about a very personal part of our life.  I’m talking about that word that I never thought I would use to describe me, INFERTILITY.  Honestly, even a few months ago, I would not have used that word in a description of myself.  It wasn’t until Christmas time, when my OBGYN transferred all of my files to an RE and put me under his care, that it really hit me….that word…that ugly word “infertility” now describes me. 

            While I haven’t put together a post about our entire infertility journey, I have been open, honest and even vulnerable about parts of our journey in recent posts. Some might wonder, “Why be so public about something so private?”  I understand why some would ask that question.  For awhile, I didn’t think that I would ever talk to anyone about this subject, with the exception of my doctors, my husband and my mother.  Infertility is all too common in many women, and many prefer to be silent about their struggles.  I completely understand that, because seriously, how do you even bring something like this up with friends, family and acquaintances?  I mean, it’s not like we go to church fellowships and say, “So….we’ve been trying to get pregnant….and we haven’t been able to…..and I’ve been going to doctors…..and nothing is helping….and it really sucks.” In fact, if it wasn’t for my blog, I would probably still be silent about our journey.

            When I first brought up infertility on my blog (Looking Back on 2012 andLooking Forward to 2013), I was simply giving a brief overview of our year.  I brought up infertility, partly because when I looked back on 2012, it was the first thing I thought about.  Also in part, because sharing some of my feelings on my blog was like a free therapy session for me.  It was around that time that we were told that we would need to try IUI or IVF to get pregnant.  I was devastated.  Probably the only time that I have ever felt completely defeated throughout this entire journey was on the day that I left that doctor’s appointment.  As we entered the Christmas week, I remember telling my husband that I was seriously considering seeking some sort of therapy to help me deal with the constant disappointment and frustration of not being able to get pregnant.  When I thought about why I felt like I could benefit from some sort of traditional therapy, it wasn’t because I felt like I needed direction or counsel through our struggle. It was because I really hadn’t talked about our struggle.  I really hadn’t said the things that I was feeling out loud.  My husband, God bless him, is a very quiet man. He doesn’t always understand my hurt, and that is by no means his fault.  He doesn’t know what I’m feeling, because he’s not me.  He admits that when I talk or cry about our disappointment each month, he has the tendency to want to make my hurt go away, so he’ll hold me for awhile and then quickly try to change the subject or distract me from my reality.  I’m not saying that my husband has not been there for me, because he certainly has.  I’m just saying that there is something very comforting about the idea of sitting across from a complete stranger and telling them your story in a very honest and vulnerable way without any interruptions.  For me, the few posts that I have written on my blog about this subject have helped me be honest and vulnerable.  It’s helped me to express my feelings and deal with what has been put before me.  I’m not the most verbose person.  I express myself when I write.  Writing about our struggle has become my therapy.

            If I need to write my feelings down, why not just journal my feelings and keep them to myself?  Well, I have surprisingly found that there is also something very therapeutic about making others aware of my situation.  There were a few reasons I wanted to bring awareness to others. For one, I didn’t think that I could handle many more people asking me that dreaded question.  You know the one I’m talking about.  “So when are you and Matt gonna have kids?”  I know that it is a common question to ask a couple once they’ve been married for a certain amount of time, but my situation has taught me that it is probably not the best question to ask when getting to know someone.  You never know why a couple has or hasn’t started a family, and that question can lead to some awkward conversations that a person may or may not be prepared to talk about.   I know that people always ask that question with the best intentions, but there were times that I had to fight back the tears and simply look down and say, “oh, someday hopefully” and then purposefully change the conversation. Since I’ve made our situation known, not one person has asked me that “dreaded question”, and that in itself is a relief.

            Other than avoiding awkward moments, I wanted to make people aware of our struggle as we began to pursue the possibility of an IUI, so they would know how to pray for me.  I expressed this in the following post:  Infertility update: IUI scheduled forFebruary.  I believe that prayer is powerful; it does have the power to change.  There are numerous people I know who desire to know how to pray for me.  How will they know if I don’t tell them?  I wasn’t necessarily asking them to pray that we get pregnant.  It was more or less requesting that people pray that God gives me the grace to accept the situation He has given us no matter what the outcome.

            Lastly, I found that making people aware of our situation had the potential to help others going through the same thing.  Whether it is someone that I don’t know contacting me through my blog or someone that I do know reaching out to me in confidence through other forms of communication in my real life, I have learned that there are plenty of others walking a similar journey.  A journey that has its ups and downs, full of heartache and can often feel very lonely.  Some women have reached out to comfort me and in return have found comfort by simply sharing their story with me.  I have found that everyone’s infertility story is different.  Whether it is someone who has journeyed through rounds of IUI or IVF without success, or someone who is trying to get pregnant but has been told by doctors to try for a full year before having tests done.  I’ve learned that hurt is hurt and frustration is frustration.  In all cases, a woman is desperately trying to do what her body was designed to do….get pregnant and sustain a pregnancy…..yet for whatever reason her body is not cooperating.  Sharing our stories with one another doesn’t take away the hurt, but it does lessen the loneliness.  The very possibility that my few personal blog posts have perhaps lessened the lonliness of others walking through their infertility journey is more than worth being public about mine.

            Other than using the blog as my free therapy session, I’ve also decided to blog so that I could educate others about some of the medical aspects of infertility.  I have several fertile friends who had no idea how much goes into finding out that someone can’t get pregnant on their own and how much more goes into doctors trying to help get someone pregnant.  I find that people are just in general curious about the process once you’ve gone public with it.  For example, once we announced that we scheduled our first IUI, I later decided to explain our IUI on my blog  (InfertilityUpdate: Explaining an IUI), rather than explaining to thirty different people, thirty different times.

            So that pretty much sums it up.  I’ve gone public about a private matter to express my feelings and bring a little therapy to myself as we journey through infertility, to encourage others who are walking or have walked similar life journeys and to educate people who have never had to walk this journey.  There will be more posts to come on this subject, I’m sure.  I’m less than a week away from finding out if our IUI was successful.  I know I’m really putting myself out there by sharing the outcome of the procedure on my blog, but I’ve come to accept that it's just a part of my story….a story that I am realizing is mine to embrace and share.

Infertility Update: Explaining an IUI

 

In previous posts, I’ve mentioned our struggles with infertility.  In my last update, I let you all know that we had our first IUI scheduled for today.  For those of you unfamiliar with fertility terms, an IUI is commonly called artificial insemination or intrauterine insemination.  In today’s post, I’ll try to inform you about the process of an IUI, why we have chosen to proceed with an IUI and the differences between an IUI and IVF.

The process of an IUI combined with hormone therapy:

When going through fertility treatments, ovulation stimulating drugs are to be taken orally on cycle days 3-7 to prepare the body for ovulation. Clomid is the most common of these drugs, but doctors are increasingly having more luck with a new drug called Femara.  You can read more about Femara here.  The past two months I have been working with an RE (reproductive endocrinologist) who is a firm believer in Femara.  He believes that my chances of pregnacy are good with up to three rounds of Femara combined with an IUI.  I find that I have fewer side effects with Femara and prefer it to Clomid.  Femara works differently than Clomid by secreting the production of estrogen in the body during the time it is taken.  It also does not linger in the body once the user stops taking it.  As a result, the body works overtime to produce a surge of FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) once the medicine is no longer in the system; therefore, forcing the body to grow good follicles by mid-cycle.  I have ovulated like clockwork on cycle day 14 with this drug.  Femara is also known to produce super ovulation (more than one follicle), which can sometimes make for a more painful ovulation.  I can say that unlike any other month with or without drugs, I have had noticeable, slightly painful yet bearable, ovulation cramps with Femara, which I consider to be a good sign. 

After the ovulation stimulating drug does its job, a mid-cycle ultrasound is scheduled to see how well the drug performed.  The ultrasound is commonly performed on cycle day 12 or 14, but if one gets a positive OPK prior to those cycle days, an ultrasound is to be performed immediately.  I would say that most women who are actively trying to get pregnant, fertile or infertile, are familiar with OPKs (ovulation predictor kits), which can be purchased over the counter in any pharmacy.  While taking Femara, I have gotten a strong, positive OPK both times on cycle day 14, which is exactly what my RE likes to see. Today was my cycle day 14 ultrasound.  These ultrasounds are transvaginal, much like a first pregnancy ultrasound; only instead of looking for a fetus, doctors are looking at the uterus and the ovaries to determine how fertile a woman’s body is that month.  They measure things like the uterine lining, and of course they are looking for mature follicles on the ovaries. Mature follicles burst once they grow to a certain size, releasing an egg that is ready to be fertilized. This month, Femara helped my body produce three follicles, two on my right side and one on my left.  While I would have liked to have seen more follicles to increase my chances of pregnancy this month, I'll take what I can get. One follicle on my right side was considered a dud, only measuring 10 mm; however, we had a winner with the second one on my right side, measuring 22 mm!  That measurement told us that I had a very mature follicle ready to burst at any time, so I was really happy with that number!  There was an instant feeling of relief once they read that measurement to me, because if I didn’t have any mature follicles, we couldn’t proceed with the IUI today.  The follicle on my left wasn’t as big as the one on my right, but it was still considered mature, measuring 17.5mm.   If the follicles look good in the ultrasound, a woman typically is given an HCG trigger shot.  HCG is the pregnancy hormone, and when injected into the body at the time of ovulation, it forces the eggs to release, usually within 24 hours from the time the hormone is injected.  The only time I have ever had a positive pregnancy test is when I test the HCG out of my body. It usually takes my body less than a week to test out.  Even though I know I am not pregnant when I’m testing HCG out of my body, just seeing the positive on a test makes me a little happy….crazy, I know:/

This month, for the first time, we took our fertility to a new level by scheduling an IUI. An IUI is typically performed a day after the trigger shot.  In my case, we performed it the same day, because my husband will be out of town for a few days.  After my ultrasound results this morning, we got the green light to continue with the IUI.  To do this, my husband had to give a sperm sample.  Once collected, the sperm is washed to give us the best chances of pregnancy.  You can find out more about sperm washing here, and why it is so important to do when performing an IUI.  I was actually shocked when I saw the vile of washed sperm they were putting in my body.  It was only .5 ml!  So small, yet so potent….that’s how my doctor put it:) It looked like the size of the tip of my pinky finger; yet they say that it is common for some of it to come out after the procedure, because the uterine cavity can only hold so much!  The sperm washing takes 90 minutes, so we were told that we could leave the premises during that time to grab a cup of coffee or something.  90 minutes later, the actual IUI can begin.  The procedure is somewhat uncomfortable, but fairly quick and painless.  Basically, the vile of washed sperm is put into a catheter, and then inserted into the uterus. Once finished, the only instructions given are to lie down for 15 minutes and take it easy the rest of the day.  You can go here to have a youtube video explain it in an easy, textbook sort of way.

Like previous months, I will finish my cycle by taking 200mg of progesterone daily, beginning 72 hours after ovulation and finishing at the time pregnancy is achieved or a new cycle begins.  My body does not make enough progesterone on its own, another unfortunate factor in in my infertility. The progesterone supplements give my body a better chance of achieving implantation and sustaining a pregnancy.  Progesterone supplements can be taken orally or vaginally, it just depends on the doctor.  My OBGYN always prescribed them orally, but my RE prefers his patients to take them vaginally.

Why we chose an IUI:

We chose an IUI, because the past four months of hormone therapy alone have failed.  It is important to say that an IUI can be done without hormone therapy, but when combined with hormone therapy the chances of pregnancy are higher.  Considering that the reason for our infertility is that my body is unable to ovulate like it is supposed to do, hormone therapy is a must for us no matter what.

The differences between IUI and IVF:

There is a big difference between IUI and IVF.  IVF, commonly called in vitro fertilization, is much more complex than an IUI. In IVF, the eggs are extracted and combined with the sperm in a dish, and then put back into the woman's uterus; whereas during an IUI, the sperm is simply injected into the woman's uterine cavity, bypassing the cervix.  Rather than having me ramble about a procedure that I have not gone through, you can read more about IVF here or watch a youtube video here.

Aside from the actual procedures being different, IVF has higher statistics resulting in pregnancy.  I believe that the latest statistics state that a woman has a 50% chance of getting pregnant with IVF; whereas a woman of my age only has a 20% chance of getting pregnant with an IUI combined with hormone therapy.  My chances are obviously much higher with an IUI than without one, but not nearly as high as going through IVF.

One big difference between an IUI and IVF is the cost.  My RE told us that one round of IVF cost $10,000.  Anyone struggling with infertility knows that it can take several rounds of IVF or IUI to get pregnant, and in some cases women may never get pregnant.  An IUI cost $500 for the procedure/sperm wash, $300 for the ultrasound and $200 for the HCG trigger shot. We walked out of the office today paying around $1,000 for the day, which is obviously much less than IVF. Because fertility is often not covered by insurance companies, we don’t get a break on the cost.  My husband has a good job working for a finance company downtown, and like nearly everyone else struggling with infertility, we don’t have any coverage for fertility treatments. I’m gonna get on my soap box for one minute here…bear with me:  my husband and I are fortunate that we are in a position financially to be able to afford all of the treatments that we have done up to this point, but I get really frustrated when I hear about the government using my tax dollars to pay for other people’s abortions at institutions like Plan Parenthood…..or when I hear about companies being fined, because they believe that it is morally wrong for them to pay for their employees to use the morning after pill, which could possibly terminate early pregnancy. Yep, for someone like myself who is paying A LOT of money to try to conceive a child, I get really irritated when insurance companies don’t help pay for people to get pregnant, but the government has no problem terminating pregnancies for free! I’m obviously pro-life….read my blog much and that wouldn’t be too hard to figure out, but whether one is pro-life or pro-choice, I just think there is a glitch in the system….that’s all….stepping off of my soap box now.

Lastly, a couple is given more control over the outcome when they choose IVF.  Whenever you hear about women who have 6-8 babies at a time, it is usually from an IUI.  In an IUI, you have no control over the amount of follicles that could potentially become fertilized by the sperm.  Some women produce six follicles thanks to ovulation stimulating drugs. While only one of those may release an egg and be fertilized, there is a chance that all six will be fertilized.  In my case, I only produced three follicles this cycle, one was bad, one was decent, and only one was considered a really good follicle.  It’s safe to say I’m not going to have six babies if I get pregnant this round;) In fact, with only one really good follicle, I'll be lucky to get pregnant at all this month.  When a couple chooses IVF, they can choose how many and which follicles to extract from the body, giving them more control over the situation.

I hope today’s post helped some of you understand more about what my body is going through from a medical standpoint.  I now begin the dreaded two week wait before finding out if today’s procedure was successful.  There is still a very good chance that we will not end up pregnant this month.  I am preparing my mind for that very real possibility; however, there’s nothing wrong with hoping, and I’m certainly hoping that we have a successful month.