Spring Where Are You?!?!

The title of this post pretty much says it all.  Like most of the country, it seems that winter has not been told that it has overstayed its welcome in my whereabouts.  It must not realize that today is MARH 26!  We got hammered with MORE snow over the weekend!  We got around 7-8 at my house when it was all said and done.  While I love snow at certain times of the year, late March is not one of those times. 

 

Fortunately, it melts pretty fast this time of year, and in a few days this latest winter storm will only be a memory.  Unfortunately, Spring break is looking more like winter break, and Palm Sunday looked more like Christmas, making me wonder what Easter is going to be like. Easter egg hunts are certainly not intended to be in the snow, and many of them were canceled or carried out indoors over the weekend.   One thing is for certain, the leaves will not be green and the flowers will not be blooming this Easter.

This crazy weather has many of us in the country asking the following question: Spring Where Are You?!?!
 

 

 

I'm over winter.......

 

I’ve never been more ready for spring!  Sunshine and fresh air can do so much for my mood.  It naturally gives me boost of energy and  seems to put a smile on my face; and believe me, I really need that this year.  January and February always seem to be so difficult to get through, because the sun rarely shows itself through the grey, dreary sky.  March comes, and I get a glimmer of hope.  Hope that spring is almost here! Hope that sunshine, green grass and flowers will soon follow. 

 

The only problem is that the weather can at times be unpredictable.  March hasn’t brought me much hope this year L  I think it may be confusing itself with its two predecessors. 

 

 

Instead, March has been somewhat of a tease.  The sun has on occasions peaked from the overcast sky and brought with it warmer temperatures;  however, the peak of sunshine is always short-lived.  It's not long before I am reminded that winter is still my reality  and with it SEVERAL days of grey skies, cold temperatures and even snow.

 

 

It’s just depressing really!  I can’t take much more of the grey skies!  I need sunshine….lots of sunshine!  And I’m certainly not fond of snow in March!  I love the white stuff around the holidays, but by this time of year I’m completely over it! 

 

I'm officially over winter! Sring, please come quickly! If you ask me, it can’t come fast enough!

Infertility Update: IUI Results

I’m just gonna come out and say it.  I don’t have good news to share.  The IUI did not result in a pregnancy.  I’m not going to express my feelings too much about it right now, but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t hurting.  My last post gave a little insight into the normal feelings that infertility can bring each month.  This month just seems to sting a little more because of all we put into it financially and emotionally. There are not any guarantees with any fertility treatments, and there is not any particular reason why the IUI didn’t work for us. Everything looked hopeful for us when we went in for the procedure.  With the help of doctors and medicine, they were able to do everything for my body that my body couldn’t do for itself.  We went into the procedure with good hormone levels, two good looking follicles at mid-cycle, a strong ovulation, an even stronger semen count than normal, and the timing was perfect.  I’ve been careful about my diet and rest the past two weeks.   I’ve been taking my vitamins and supplements as usual and most importantly, I’ve tried not to stress about anything…..but when it’s all said and done, my body was unsuccessful somewhere in between the fertilization and implantation process and wasn’t able to achieve a pregnancy.  For whatever reason, my body just didn’t do it.  I took yesterday to cry….cry….and cry some more.  I took a day to myself to get all the tears out of my system and accept the results for what they are.  Now we just pick up the broken pieces and do our best to move on.  

 

So here’s the next step for us……we are taking the next three months off of fertility treatments.  My body just can’t take anymore hormones being injected, and my heart can’t take anymore disappointment.  This is the first time since we’ve been trying to get pregnant that I am allowing myself to take a break.  I feel like we have given it our all; we’ve done all that we know how to do up to this point.  This is also the first time that I have a peace about allowing myself to take a break.  In the past, I would be tired and would want to take a break, but I would tell myself, “What if we haven’t tried this…..and what if that could work….what if we were quitting too soon….what if we just needed one more month?”  Now that we’ve tried everything, including an IUI, I feel like it’s ok for us to take a break.  We’ll reschedule our next IUI for June.  If that one is unsuccessful, it will be followed by a consecutive IUI in July.  If both of those fail, I think that I may have to come to terms with what will probably be the biggest heartache of my life up to this point.  Financially, IVF is not an option for us, and we can only pour so much of our resources into IUI’s.

 

I wish this was a happier post, but it is what it is.  I know I am not alone is this.  Many other women have journeyed down this same road and know all too well the disappointment that I am feeling right now.  Keep us in your prayers over the next few months.  Continually trying to get pregnant month after month may have come with some exhaustion, but the constant trying kept me busy and gave me a little hope to hang onto each month.  While I feel relieved that we can get off this roller coaster of emotions for awhile, I'm the kind of person who is a natural “doer".  I’m not very good at sitting still and doing nothing, which is sort of what we have planned for the next three months.  I like to try to fix something when it is broken.  I like to try to solve the problem.  Taking a break means that I’m not going to DO anything about the problem, which goes against my very nature.  And before someone says that I should just try again to conceive naturally, I’ve been told by doctors that even if we did get pregnant on our own, my body doesn’t make enough progesterone on its own to sustain a pregnancy past implantation.  In other words….taking a break for us is literally taking a break.  No more charting by BBT every morning….no more OPKS….no more stressing over what I eat and what kind of supplements I’m taking….no more feeling like we HAVE to have timed intercourse no matter how tired we are from our work day….no more hormones…no more medicines….no more doctor visits…no more blood work….no more two week wait…..no more peeing on a stick….no more searching on the internet for signs that maybe just maybe the stick was wrong….no more disappointment…..NO MORE…I’m done for now.  So for now, I’ll take the next three months to “Be Still”….something that I’m not very good at, but think will be really good for me…..

 

BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD
(Ps. 46:10a)

 

Infertility Update: The Raw Emotions of it All

The time is approaching.  I’m almost to the end of my month.  Soon, very soon, I will know if our IUI resulted in a pregnancy.   I will probably give an update on the blog with the results.   I am certain that if the answer is no, I will not want to share my feelings about that particular answer any time soon.  For that reason, I thought that now would be a good time to write about the raw emotions that infertility can bring.  Hopefully it will bring insight to those who have never had to walk this journey, and those walking this journey can hopefully relate. 

I have probably spent the last decade not feeling much of anything.  I’ve kind of had the mentality that life is life….suck it up and deal with it.  My husband even jokes with me in saying that I am the man in the marriage when it comes to feelings…..as in, I don’t have any.  Can I just say that journeying through infertility has brought up more than enough emotions to make up for the last decade of not having any.  I can’t remember the last time that I have cried the way that I have cried these last few months.  And I certainly can’t remember the last time I have let myself hurt the way that I have hurt these last few months.

 

Before I begin, let me remind you that these are my feelings, and everyone’s feelings are different.  These are just my emotions in a typical month.  I hope this post is helpful for some.

 

In a given month I FEEL………

Driven – For me, the month usually begins without any feelings at all.  I try not to think too much about the end results and just focus on what I need to do to get the end result that I so desperately want.

 

Hormonal –Thanks to hormonal medications I may, out of the blue cry for hours, feel depressed or want to shout and scream for no apparent reason.  I remind myself that it’s not how I really feel….it’s just how the meds occasionally make me feel.

 

Hopeful – I call the first half of the month the good part of the cycle, because there is still hope. Hope that everything will work out the way I want it to.  Hope that my body will do what it needs to do.  Hope that I will see two pink lines at the end of the month.  Hope that God will “hear my cry and answer it.”  I admit that hope fades with each month of disappointment. I tend to go into the month thinking that the less hope I have, the less it will hurt if we don’t get pregnant.  The truth is that it hurts the same regardless of how much or how little hope I have.

Anxious – I usually feel very anxious as I get to the end of the two week wait.  I know that by this point in the month, I have done all that I could have possibly done and that I have no control over the end result.  Even so, I can’t help but have some anxiety and even a little worry as testing time approaches.

 

Disappointed – If the end of the month went as I hoped it would, I would feel nothing but joy, excitement and relief.  Unfortunately, I’ve only had to deal with a whole other mix of emotions at the end of each month.  Disappointment is a feeling that I know all too well.  If I could describe infertility with two words, disappointment would be one of them.  To me, putting my body through everything that I have put it through, and then still getting a negative pregnancy test, is quite possibly the most disappointing feeling I’ve ever had in my life.

Defeated – I kind of go into each month like I’m going into battle.  I take on this personal enemy of mine called infertility with one goal in mind….to conquer it.  And then, the test comes back negative, and I feel like anyone else would feel if they just lost a battle.  I feel defeated.

 

Frustrated – Again, if I could describe infertility in two words, this would be the first word that comes to mind.  I find nothing more frustrating than trying so hard for something while having absolutely no control over the end results!  I find nothing more frustrating than committing such great amounts of my time, energy and resources into trying to get pregnant, only to have it end in failure and have to start all over the next month!  I find nothing more frustrating than feeling like my body is broken!  I find nothing more frustrating than knowing that, as a woman, my body was designed by my Creator to bear children, yet my body won’t do what it was designed to do! 

Angry – I try to not let myself feel this too much, and for the most part I am successful.  I will admit at times, it does show itself.  I think my anger is sometimes directed at myself or even at God for allowing the circumstance.  In reality, I’m not angry with myself or even God.  I’m usually just angry at the actual circumstance and the fact that I have absolutely no control over it.

Exhausted – As the month ends, I am exhausted.  Once a test has confirmed that the month was unsuccessful in producing a pregnancy, I feel like I don’t know if I can do it all over again.  I’ll be honest; I’m tired of trying to get pregnant.  I’m tired of going through the same thing each month.  Many people think that trying to get pregnant is all fun and games, but for us it is WORK! 

 

Hurt - Above all else, I feel hurt.  Hurt that my plans are not His plans, and hurt that I don’t understand His plans.  For the most part the hurt is short-lived.  It’s not like I walk around all day with a sad face on, saying “WOE IS ME”.  I live my life like normal, and if I weren’t so vocal on my blog about our circumstances, I really doubt that anyone in my real life would even know about the hurt. I have had to learn that it is ok to hurt.  I usually allow myself a day or two to cry and sulk, before picking the pieces back up and starting all over again the next month. I allow myself to take some alone time and not feel bad about needing that alone time.   I think that a lot of people can look at women who struggle with infertility and confuse their hurt for other things like jealousy or bitterness.  Take last month for example.  The day we found out I wasn’t pregnant was the same day that we had plans to go to a Sunday school outing with several other couples our age.  I’ll be quite honest with you; I just couldn’t go that night.  I couldn’t handle being around pregnant women or other couples talking about their growing families on that particular night.  It just hurt too bad to be around that sort of thing when we had just gotten such disappointing news.  We certainly didn’t announce that as our reason for not going to the outing.  Unless someone from my class is reading this blog post right now, no one would even know about it.  That also means that no one came to me and said that I was an awful person for not going for that particular reason.  My point is that someone from the outside looking in could easily confuse my hurt with bitterness.  Hurting doesn’t mean that I am jealous of other pregnant couples or bitter that we are not pregnant.  I wouldn’t wish infertility on anyone, and I am so happy that others get to experience motherhood without any difficulty.  It also doesn’t mean that people who are pregnant should be sensitive around people like me who have such difficulty getting pregnant.  Pregnant women should be able to share their good news and talk about the exciting things that are going on in their life.  However, I think that fertile women need to not be upset to know that most infertile women can’t help but feel a little hurt when they hear someone announcing a pregnancy…..or when they see a FB status showing “my baby’s progress at so many weeks” or “my baby is the size of a certain fruit”.  And I think that infertile women need to not let themselves feel guilty for feeling this way.  Don’t misunderstand me.  Fertile women should keep doing those things like normal, but infertile women should not feel guilty about feeling those feelings like NORMAL! It doesn’t make you an awful person.  IT IS NORMAL!  It just means that sometimes someone else’s good news, that we are of course happy they are experiencing, can also bring to remembrance of our not so good news, leaving a hurtful feeling inside that only lasts for a moment.  If we allow the hurt to lead to bitterness, it can destroy us….but I also believe that if we don’t allow ourselves to hurt than that too can be harmful to us.

 

Guilt - I try really hard to not feel this, and I’m getting much better at it.   I think that sometimes we, as Christians, can look at verses like “rejoice in the Lord always”, “in everything give thanks” and “all things work together for good” and feel as though we have to repent for feeling the above emotions that I mentioned.  Can I just say that I don’t think that it is wrong to feel hurt….or wrong to feel any of the emotions that I mentioned above for that matter! God created the human body to have emotions.  He created hurt, and He is allowing me to walk through the hurt for reasons that at this time I cannnot understand. I think of people in the Bible like Hannah who wept over her barrenness….or people like David who wept over the loss of his son.  One would not look at those Biblical accounts and say that they should have been overjoyed with their circumstance.  So then why do we sometimes feel guilty because we are not overjoyed with our circumstances?  If we let the emotions that I have mentioned above take over our life, it can obviously become a problem.  But to feel guilty for feeling those emotions is to me just making the situation worse.  I also think that we can feel guilty because in comparison to other problems in the world, infertility is minor.  I know I have thought to myself that there are so many bigger things going on in the world, so why should I bother God with my tiny little problem?  My hurt may be small in comparison to others, but I serve a God who cares for both the big and the small.  I had to remind myself that my God even “cares about the sparrows”.  Hurt is hurt, and He cares about my hurt.  No matter how small my hurt seems to the rest of world, He desires to comfort me and carry me through it…..so I shouldn’t feel guilty for feeling it.

Adoption Update: The beginning of a long process....

        

          If you’ve read my blog lately, you know I’ve been giving several fertility updates.  Today I want to give an adoption update.   A few months ago, I announced that we were beginning the process of adoption.  Today I want to explain how we came to that decision and exactly where we are in the adoption process.

            Adoption has always been a first choice for us. The fact that we have been struggling with infertility really has nothing to do with our decision to adopt.  My husband has a heart for adoption, because he was adopted from Taiwan when he was three.  I have a heart for adoption, because God put a burden in my heart for the orphans many years ago.  Before we got married, adoption was something that we talked about, and we both really wanted for our family. 

            While our struggle with infertility has not had any impact on our decisions to adopt, it has had an impact on our decision of when to adopt. We always thought that we would have a few kids biologically before we started the process of adoption, because we didn’t think that we could afford adoption until later on in our marriage.  Facing infertility has forced us to face the fact that we may not ever be able to get pregnant, no matter how hard we try.  In November of this past year, after being disappointed once again that another month passed without a pregnancy, we decided that perhaps it was time to start getting serious about adoption; however, we weren’t finished seeking fertility treatments.  For us, that meant that we would seek both adoption and fertility at the same time.

            It’s been said by many that God is in the adoption process.  That He opens and closes doors along the way, as He leads in certain directions.  Even in this very early phase of our adoption process, we have seen His leading.  After we agreed to start getting serious about adoption, the first thing that I did was reach out to a Facebook friend who I knew recently adopted.  She was, of course, encouraging as she answered some of my questions and shared a little of her story with me.  She also said something in our FB messages that really pulled on my heart strings.  She said, “My counsel to everyone that I talk to is that if God has tugged on your heart in even the smallest way concerning adoption, and finances is the most scary/concerning part about the entire process, then RUN TO IT!!! God will take care of that part.”  She went on to say, “It is expensive, I will not lie. however, I always refer back to my statement before--God's heart is for the orphan. He WILL take care of the costs--guarantee because HE commands us to care for orphans.” After reading her FB message, I began to weep.  Some of my tears may have been from the crazy hormones I was taking for fertilty, but the majority of my tears were because I knew that God was wanting us to step out in faith and begin our adoption journey.  God just used her words to confirm it. 

            We committed ourselves to adoption that very night, and the research part of adoption began immediately.  We spent hours looking over the facts.  This part can be overwhelming, because there is so much to learn about adoption if you are first-timers like us. In the midst of our research we stumbled onto a website of a local organization that deals with certain aspects of adoption here in Indy.  While on that page, we came across a name.  The name that we came across was the name of Matt’s best man’s wife’s sister, who my husband had actually met on a few occasions.  She happens to oversee home studies for international adoptions with her organization. To us that was another sign.  We wrote her contact info down and decided to reach out to her after the holidays were over. 

            At the beginning of January we were really focused on our fertility, because we had started working with an RE.  We hadn’t reached out to our contact yet…..and that’s when another GOD thing happened.  Out of the blue a friend from church, who had no idea that we wanted to adopt, came to me and said, “I know you and Matt are having trouble conceiving.  Have you ever thought about adoption?”  She went on to explain her reason for asking such a question.  Someone had, out of the blue, come to her and asked if she knew anyone who wanted to adopt.  Long story short, there potentially was a baby that needed to be placed into a home within a month, and the family wanted the baby placed in a Christian home.  As she was telling me all of this, I had done enough research on adoption to know that what she inquiring about could probably not happen for us in that short of a timeframe.  What she didn’t know is that God used her words to give us another big push to once again focus on adoption. 

            A meeting was set up with our contact for the following weekend.  We went into the conversation with a huge list of questions about adoption, and they were all answered!  We left the conversation with an application for international adoption and a list of agencies that work with Chinese adoptions. When we got our application, we filled it out right away.  The next step was choosing an agency.  We looked over the list that was sent to us and began to research the agencies one by one.  We were really curious about one agency that was within driving distance from Indy.  We arranged a conference call with them, and by the time that call was over we felt confident that we had made the right choice.

            After our call with the adoption agency, we felt really good about our decision to adopt from China.  The only downside to our conversation is that we were told that we would need to wait until August to really dig into all of the paperwork.  China won’t accept our paperwork until I turn 30, and the paperwork can not be more than six months old when they receive it.  That means that the next five months are simply waiting.  That was a little discouraging at first, but we feel confident that we have done what we need to do up to this point.  In the meantime, we can look over the list of special needs the agency gave us to see what kind of special needs we are comfortable with for our adoption.  We can also research the travel part of our adoption.  And of course we can save our money and pray while we wait.  We are told we will spend about $30,000 when it is all said and done. I believe that this incredible journey will be worth every penny!

             So that pretty much sums it up.  That’s where we are with the adoption process.  We are in a state of waiting!  The plan is to dig into the paperwork in August, send the paperwork to China next February, and then we are told that on average it takes 18 months from there before we are told to travel to China, meet our child and finalize the adoption.  Bottom line is that it is going to be a long, expensive process.   I’ll keep updates coming, but I don’t foresee any updates for a few months.  All I can say is that I can’t wait for August:)

Birthday Recap - The last year of my 20's.....

 

Well, I’ve been 29 for a little over a week now, and it hasn’t been so bad.  I used to dread turning 29, because it meant that I only had one more year till I turned 30. I know for some people turning 40 is a dreaded birthday, but I always thought that turning 30 would be worse.  There is just something about leaving the youthfulness of my 20’s that I never liked the idea of!

 

Recently, I’ve gained a new perspective, and turning 29 hasn’t been so bad.  Instead of, “Oh no, only so many more days till I turn thirty!”…..it has become, “How many more days till I turn 30!  It can come fast enough!” The reason for that is because we have started the process of adoption, and our heart is to adopt from China.  China won’t accept any of our paperwork until I turn 30, so all of a sudden I am anxiously awaiting my 30^th birthday, instead of dreading its arrival.  It’s funny how twists and turns in life can change our perspective on things.

 

While 30 should hopefully be a big birthday for us, because we can officially get the adoption process moving with the Chinese government, 29 was also a pretty big birthday for me.  If you’ve read my blog posts lately, you know that we have been in the process of seeking fertility treatments.  It just so happened that the timing of our first IUI fell right around my 29^th birthday.  When my husband asked me what I wanted for my birthday, I said that it would be the best birthday ever if our IUI was successful on the first try. It’s still too soon to take a pregnancy test, but even if the test comes back negative, turning 29 has still not been that bad;)

 

Here’s an Instragam recap of the beginning of my 29^th year……

 

Like I said, the day before my birthday was spent at our doctor’s office, as we had an IUI schedule for that morning.

My husband had to leave on a business trip that afternoon, so he wasn’t home for the majority of my birthday weekL  He did buy me a new book to read while he was gone though, and gave me strict instructions to take advantage of the empty house and rest!  I missed him while he was gone, but I do enjoy my alone time when I can get it:)

I took my actual birthday off of work.  Not so much because it was my birthday.  It was more or less to take the day after the IUI to rest.  My husband did his best to make sure I rested while he was gone and arranged for me to get a massage on birthdayJ It was wonderful!  He knows I love it when I am able to get a massage! If we could afford it, I would get a massage every week!

It was a typical February day on my B-day.  And by that, I mean cold, dreary and greyL  I picked up Panera for my birthday dinner, because it is the perfect comfort meal for a cold February day that I didn’t have to cook.  I really wanted the soup and bread bowl, but I controlled my urge to consume that many carbs and just went with the bowl of soup and bread on the side;)

The rest of the night was spent reading a book with the dog by my side.  An overall quiet birthday, but I wouldn’t have wanted it any other way:)

When Matt got back from his trip, we spent the weekend celebrating my birthday together.  He had previously made reservations for us to go to the Melting Pot for my birthday dinner.

It was a fun, unique way to enjoy a meal together.  I personally like this restaurant, because couples are sat in a small booth/room to enjoy the meal together. I often get sidetracked  with people-watching when we go out, so it was nice to not have any distractions during our meal.

Dinner was lovely, but dessert was definitely the best!  I could seriously drink the chocolate fondue!  Of course I didn’t…..I showed some self control;)

I like to go to Ikea a few times a year to get inspired, so the following day, we had planned to go to Cincinnati.  We don’t have any Frisch’s Big Boy’s in our Indy area, so we always stop at one when we go to Cincy.  As if I didn’t have enough calories the night before;/  Don’t worry, I didn’t eat all of my meal…..that’s what my husband is for;)

I didn’t go too crazy at Ikea.  I just bought a few things for the house.  I could walk around that store all day though, so it was very thoughtful of the hubs to want to take me there. 

 

And that pretty much sums it up!  That’s how I turned 29.  Nothing spectacular about it, but it was pretty perfect to meJ

Infertility Update: Why go public with something so private?

         If you’ve read my blog lately, you know that I have started being really open about a very personal part of our life.  I’m talking about that word that I never thought I would use to describe me, INFERTILITY.  Honestly, even a few months ago, I would not have used that word in a description of myself.  It wasn’t until Christmas time, when my OBGYN transferred all of my files to an RE and put me under his care, that it really hit me….that word…that ugly word “infertility” now describes me. 

            While I haven’t put together a post about our entire infertility journey, I have been open, honest and even vulnerable about parts of our journey in recent posts. Some might wonder, “Why be so public about something so private?”  I understand why some would ask that question.  For awhile, I didn’t think that I would ever talk to anyone about this subject, with the exception of my doctors, my husband and my mother.  Infertility is all too common in many women, and many prefer to be silent about their struggles.  I completely understand that, because seriously, how do you even bring something like this up with friends, family and acquaintances?  I mean, it’s not like we go to church fellowships and say, “So….we’ve been trying to get pregnant….and we haven’t been able to…..and I’ve been going to doctors…..and nothing is helping….and it really sucks.” In fact, if it wasn’t for my blog, I would probably still be silent about our journey.

            When I first brought up infertility on my blog (Looking Back on 2012 andLooking Forward to 2013), I was simply giving a brief overview of our year.  I brought up infertility, partly because when I looked back on 2012, it was the first thing I thought about.  Also in part, because sharing some of my feelings on my blog was like a free therapy session for me.  It was around that time that we were told that we would need to try IUI or IVF to get pregnant.  I was devastated.  Probably the only time that I have ever felt completely defeated throughout this entire journey was on the day that I left that doctor’s appointment.  As we entered the Christmas week, I remember telling my husband that I was seriously considering seeking some sort of therapy to help me deal with the constant disappointment and frustration of not being able to get pregnant.  When I thought about why I felt like I could benefit from some sort of traditional therapy, it wasn’t because I felt like I needed direction or counsel through our struggle. It was because I really hadn’t talked about our struggle.  I really hadn’t said the things that I was feeling out loud.  My husband, God bless him, is a very quiet man. He doesn’t always understand my hurt, and that is by no means his fault.  He doesn’t know what I’m feeling, because he’s not me.  He admits that when I talk or cry about our disappointment each month, he has the tendency to want to make my hurt go away, so he’ll hold me for awhile and then quickly try to change the subject or distract me from my reality.  I’m not saying that my husband has not been there for me, because he certainly has.  I’m just saying that there is something very comforting about the idea of sitting across from a complete stranger and telling them your story in a very honest and vulnerable way without any interruptions.  For me, the few posts that I have written on my blog about this subject have helped me be honest and vulnerable.  It’s helped me to express my feelings and deal with what has been put before me.  I’m not the most verbose person.  I express myself when I write.  Writing about our struggle has become my therapy.

            If I need to write my feelings down, why not just journal my feelings and keep them to myself?  Well, I have surprisingly found that there is also something very therapeutic about making others aware of my situation.  There were a few reasons I wanted to bring awareness to others. For one, I didn’t think that I could handle many more people asking me that dreaded question.  You know the one I’m talking about.  “So when are you and Matt gonna have kids?”  I know that it is a common question to ask a couple once they’ve been married for a certain amount of time, but my situation has taught me that it is probably not the best question to ask when getting to know someone.  You never know why a couple has or hasn’t started a family, and that question can lead to some awkward conversations that a person may or may not be prepared to talk about.   I know that people always ask that question with the best intentions, but there were times that I had to fight back the tears and simply look down and say, “oh, someday hopefully” and then purposefully change the conversation. Since I’ve made our situation known, not one person has asked me that “dreaded question”, and that in itself is a relief.

            Other than avoiding awkward moments, I wanted to make people aware of our struggle as we began to pursue the possibility of an IUI, so they would know how to pray for me.  I expressed this in the following post:  Infertility update: IUI scheduled forFebruary.  I believe that prayer is powerful; it does have the power to change.  There are numerous people I know who desire to know how to pray for me.  How will they know if I don’t tell them?  I wasn’t necessarily asking them to pray that we get pregnant.  It was more or less requesting that people pray that God gives me the grace to accept the situation He has given us no matter what the outcome.

            Lastly, I found that making people aware of our situation had the potential to help others going through the same thing.  Whether it is someone that I don’t know contacting me through my blog or someone that I do know reaching out to me in confidence through other forms of communication in my real life, I have learned that there are plenty of others walking a similar journey.  A journey that has its ups and downs, full of heartache and can often feel very lonely.  Some women have reached out to comfort me and in return have found comfort by simply sharing their story with me.  I have found that everyone’s infertility story is different.  Whether it is someone who has journeyed through rounds of IUI or IVF without success, or someone who is trying to get pregnant but has been told by doctors to try for a full year before having tests done.  I’ve learned that hurt is hurt and frustration is frustration.  In all cases, a woman is desperately trying to do what her body was designed to do….get pregnant and sustain a pregnancy…..yet for whatever reason her body is not cooperating.  Sharing our stories with one another doesn’t take away the hurt, but it does lessen the loneliness.  The very possibility that my few personal blog posts have perhaps lessened the lonliness of others walking through their infertility journey is more than worth being public about mine.

            Other than using the blog as my free therapy session, I’ve also decided to blog so that I could educate others about some of the medical aspects of infertility.  I have several fertile friends who had no idea how much goes into finding out that someone can’t get pregnant on their own and how much more goes into doctors trying to help get someone pregnant.  I find that people are just in general curious about the process once you’ve gone public with it.  For example, once we announced that we scheduled our first IUI, I later decided to explain our IUI on my blog  (InfertilityUpdate: Explaining an IUI), rather than explaining to thirty different people, thirty different times.

            So that pretty much sums it up.  I’ve gone public about a private matter to express my feelings and bring a little therapy to myself as we journey through infertility, to encourage others who are walking or have walked similar life journeys and to educate people who have never had to walk this journey.  There will be more posts to come on this subject, I’m sure.  I’m less than a week away from finding out if our IUI was successful.  I know I’m really putting myself out there by sharing the outcome of the procedure on my blog, but I’ve come to accept that it's just a part of my story….a story that I am realizing is mine to embrace and share.

Infertility Update: Explaining an IUI

 

In previous posts, I’ve mentioned our struggles with infertility.  In my last update, I let you all know that we had our first IUI scheduled for today.  For those of you unfamiliar with fertility terms, an IUI is commonly called artificial insemination or intrauterine insemination.  In today’s post, I’ll try to inform you about the process of an IUI, why we have chosen to proceed with an IUI and the differences between an IUI and IVF.

The process of an IUI combined with hormone therapy:

When going through fertility treatments, ovulation stimulating drugs are to be taken orally on cycle days 3-7 to prepare the body for ovulation. Clomid is the most common of these drugs, but doctors are increasingly having more luck with a new drug called Femara.  You can read more about Femara here.  The past two months I have been working with an RE (reproductive endocrinologist) who is a firm believer in Femara.  He believes that my chances of pregnacy are good with up to three rounds of Femara combined with an IUI.  I find that I have fewer side effects with Femara and prefer it to Clomid.  Femara works differently than Clomid by secreting the production of estrogen in the body during the time it is taken.  It also does not linger in the body once the user stops taking it.  As a result, the body works overtime to produce a surge of FSH (follicle stimulating hormone) once the medicine is no longer in the system; therefore, forcing the body to grow good follicles by mid-cycle.  I have ovulated like clockwork on cycle day 14 with this drug.  Femara is also known to produce super ovulation (more than one follicle), which can sometimes make for a more painful ovulation.  I can say that unlike any other month with or without drugs, I have had noticeable, slightly painful yet bearable, ovulation cramps with Femara, which I consider to be a good sign. 

After the ovulation stimulating drug does its job, a mid-cycle ultrasound is scheduled to see how well the drug performed.  The ultrasound is commonly performed on cycle day 12 or 14, but if one gets a positive OPK prior to those cycle days, an ultrasound is to be performed immediately.  I would say that most women who are actively trying to get pregnant, fertile or infertile, are familiar with OPKs (ovulation predictor kits), which can be purchased over the counter in any pharmacy.  While taking Femara, I have gotten a strong, positive OPK both times on cycle day 14, which is exactly what my RE likes to see. Today was my cycle day 14 ultrasound.  These ultrasounds are transvaginal, much like a first pregnancy ultrasound; only instead of looking for a fetus, doctors are looking at the uterus and the ovaries to determine how fertile a woman’s body is that month.  They measure things like the uterine lining, and of course they are looking for mature follicles on the ovaries. Mature follicles burst once they grow to a certain size, releasing an egg that is ready to be fertilized. This month, Femara helped my body produce three follicles, two on my right side and one on my left.  While I would have liked to have seen more follicles to increase my chances of pregnancy this month, I'll take what I can get. One follicle on my right side was considered a dud, only measuring 10 mm; however, we had a winner with the second one on my right side, measuring 22 mm!  That measurement told us that I had a very mature follicle ready to burst at any time, so I was really happy with that number!  There was an instant feeling of relief once they read that measurement to me, because if I didn’t have any mature follicles, we couldn’t proceed with the IUI today.  The follicle on my left wasn’t as big as the one on my right, but it was still considered mature, measuring 17.5mm.   If the follicles look good in the ultrasound, a woman typically is given an HCG trigger shot.  HCG is the pregnancy hormone, and when injected into the body at the time of ovulation, it forces the eggs to release, usually within 24 hours from the time the hormone is injected.  The only time I have ever had a positive pregnancy test is when I test the HCG out of my body. It usually takes my body less than a week to test out.  Even though I know I am not pregnant when I’m testing HCG out of my body, just seeing the positive on a test makes me a little happy….crazy, I know:/

This month, for the first time, we took our fertility to a new level by scheduling an IUI. An IUI is typically performed a day after the trigger shot.  In my case, we performed it the same day, because my husband will be out of town for a few days.  After my ultrasound results this morning, we got the green light to continue with the IUI.  To do this, my husband had to give a sperm sample.  Once collected, the sperm is washed to give us the best chances of pregnancy.  You can find out more about sperm washing here, and why it is so important to do when performing an IUI.  I was actually shocked when I saw the vile of washed sperm they were putting in my body.  It was only .5 ml!  So small, yet so potent….that’s how my doctor put it:) It looked like the size of the tip of my pinky finger; yet they say that it is common for some of it to come out after the procedure, because the uterine cavity can only hold so much!  The sperm washing takes 90 minutes, so we were told that we could leave the premises during that time to grab a cup of coffee or something.  90 minutes later, the actual IUI can begin.  The procedure is somewhat uncomfortable, but fairly quick and painless.  Basically, the vile of washed sperm is put into a catheter, and then inserted into the uterus. Once finished, the only instructions given are to lie down for 15 minutes and take it easy the rest of the day.  You can go here to have a youtube video explain it in an easy, textbook sort of way.

Like previous months, I will finish my cycle by taking 200mg of progesterone daily, beginning 72 hours after ovulation and finishing at the time pregnancy is achieved or a new cycle begins.  My body does not make enough progesterone on its own, another unfortunate factor in in my infertility. The progesterone supplements give my body a better chance of achieving implantation and sustaining a pregnancy.  Progesterone supplements can be taken orally or vaginally, it just depends on the doctor.  My OBGYN always prescribed them orally, but my RE prefers his patients to take them vaginally.

Why we chose an IUI:

We chose an IUI, because the past four months of hormone therapy alone have failed.  It is important to say that an IUI can be done without hormone therapy, but when combined with hormone therapy the chances of pregnancy are higher.  Considering that the reason for our infertility is that my body is unable to ovulate like it is supposed to do, hormone therapy is a must for us no matter what.

The differences between IUI and IVF:

There is a big difference between IUI and IVF.  IVF, commonly called in vitro fertilization, is much more complex than an IUI. In IVF, the eggs are extracted and combined with the sperm in a dish, and then put back into the woman's uterus; whereas during an IUI, the sperm is simply injected into the woman's uterine cavity, bypassing the cervix.  Rather than having me ramble about a procedure that I have not gone through, you can read more about IVF here or watch a youtube video here.

Aside from the actual procedures being different, IVF has higher statistics resulting in pregnancy.  I believe that the latest statistics state that a woman has a 50% chance of getting pregnant with IVF; whereas a woman of my age only has a 20% chance of getting pregnant with an IUI combined with hormone therapy.  My chances are obviously much higher with an IUI than without one, but not nearly as high as going through IVF.

One big difference between an IUI and IVF is the cost.  My RE told us that one round of IVF cost $10,000.  Anyone struggling with infertility knows that it can take several rounds of IVF or IUI to get pregnant, and in some cases women may never get pregnant.  An IUI cost $500 for the procedure/sperm wash, $300 for the ultrasound and $200 for the HCG trigger shot. We walked out of the office today paying around $1,000 for the day, which is obviously much less than IVF. Because fertility is often not covered by insurance companies, we don’t get a break on the cost.  My husband has a good job working for a finance company downtown, and like nearly everyone else struggling with infertility, we don’t have any coverage for fertility treatments. I’m gonna get on my soap box for one minute here…bear with me:  my husband and I are fortunate that we are in a position financially to be able to afford all of the treatments that we have done up to this point, but I get really frustrated when I hear about the government using my tax dollars to pay for other people’s abortions at institutions like Plan Parenthood…..or when I hear about companies being fined, because they believe that it is morally wrong for them to pay for their employees to use the morning after pill, which could possibly terminate early pregnancy. Yep, for someone like myself who is paying A LOT of money to try to conceive a child, I get really irritated when insurance companies don’t help pay for people to get pregnant, but the government has no problem terminating pregnancies for free! I’m obviously pro-life….read my blog much and that wouldn’t be too hard to figure out, but whether one is pro-life or pro-choice, I just think there is a glitch in the system….that’s all….stepping off of my soap box now.

Lastly, a couple is given more control over the outcome when they choose IVF.  Whenever you hear about women who have 6-8 babies at a time, it is usually from an IUI.  In an IUI, you have no control over the amount of follicles that could potentially become fertilized by the sperm.  Some women produce six follicles thanks to ovulation stimulating drugs. While only one of those may release an egg and be fertilized, there is a chance that all six will be fertilized.  In my case, I only produced three follicles this cycle, one was bad, one was decent, and only one was considered a really good follicle.  It’s safe to say I’m not going to have six babies if I get pregnant this round;) In fact, with only one really good follicle, I'll be lucky to get pregnant at all this month.  When a couple chooses IVF, they can choose how many and which follicles to extract from the body, giving them more control over the situation.

I hope today’s post helped some of you understand more about what my body is going through from a medical standpoint.  I now begin the dreaded two week wait before finding out if today’s procedure was successful.  There is still a very good chance that we will not end up pregnant this month.  I am preparing my mind for that very real possibility; however, there’s nothing wrong with hoping, and I’m certainly hoping that we have a successful month.