In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. ~ Proverbs 3:6

Sunday, December 22, 2013

Letters to my Babies - Week 24

We are so thankful for this pregnancy! After sharing our journey through infertilty on the blog, I knew I wanted to log our newfound 40 week journey of pregnancy on the blog as well. Not knowing if I’ll ever be able to experience pregnancy again, I have chosen to log our pregnancy by writing occasional letters to our babies. The letters will keep my readers posted on how we are doing each week, but the letters will also be something that our little ones can go back and read, as a reminder of how much he or she was loved from the very beginning of their existence. You can read previous weeks by clicking on the following posts: Week 5, Week 7, Week 9, Week 12, Week 13, Week 15, Week 16, Week 18, Week 19, Week 21, Week 22.

We went in for a routine growth ultrasound at 24 weeks on Friday.  Both of you are measuring just as you should be for 24 weeks.  You both weigh exactly the same at 1lb 10 oz.  While your weight is the same, your sizes are not.  Baby B, you are longer and more slender than Baby A.  And Baby A, apparently you have a larger head than your brother.  Your head is measuring 26 weeks, while your bother’s is 24 weeks.
Baby A 24 Week Ultrasound
Your measurements looked great on Friday, but we weren’t able to get great pictures.  The only decent picture of the day was taken of Baby A.  Soon after this picture was taken, you both rolled over and faced my back, refusing to show us anything other than your backsides the rest of the ultrasound.  This made 3D images pointless on Friday.  I’m really hoping that you cooperate a little better at our 28 week growth ultrasound.  I would love to get some 3D images of your facial profiles in our third trimester.  Being fraternal twins, I am so very curious to know how the two of you will look.  Some fraternal twins look identical, while others just look like siblings.  And then there are those that look completely different.  One may favor the mother, while the other favors the father.  Only time will tell, but I’m definitely anxious to see what you look like.
Baby A's tiny little feet
I’m feeling more movement and activity from you as time goes on.  Not only do I feel you kick and move around, but I can see it as well.  It’s a pretty cool thing to be able to look down at my belly and see you kicking my belly.  Not only are your kicks visible, but some of your movements are as well. I will often have random bulges in my stomach, and when I feel the bulges I can feel what part of which baby I am feeling. 

All of this movement can at times be uncomfortable, especially when Baby B (who sits higher in my uterus) finds a comfortable spot near my ribs.  I admit that the discomfort has brought some mumbles and grumbles from my lips the past few weeks.  I know that it is normal for a pregnant woman to have such complaints, but there is an immediate feeling of guilt when I feel this way.  I’ve even shed some tears trying to explain to Daddy how I’m really feeling.  How my mind and emotions are beyond excited about this pregnancy and trying to soak in every aspect of it, but my body is saying something else. I verbally remind myself and your father that I know how blessed I am to have the two of you growing inside of me, and I wouldn’t want it any other way.  While those words are coming out my mouth, tears are falling down my cheeks, because I have a baby kicking my ribs, painful swollen feet, a sore back and am sleep deprived from being unable to get comfortable at night……and to make it worse I have the voice in my head that is reminding me it is only going to get more uncomfortable as the time passes…..and I know I still have such a long way to go.  Luckily, those moments are far and few between.  I don’t feel like that all of the time, but I certainly have those moments where I feel like I am running a marathon with little energy and the finish line still seems so far away.  So the feelings of excitement and appreciation can quickly turn to guilt in moments like that……because I know that you two are our special gifts from God…..and I know how hard it was to get pregnant…..and I know how many tears I cried begging God to bless us with a pregnancy…..and I know how it feels to know that not too long ago we were told we may never be able to get pregnant, yet here we are a year later, blessed with the TWO of you. I really wish that what I feel in my heart could trump what I feel in my body all of the time, but alas, I am human…a very pregnant human at that, and I certainly have those moments.

For the most part I am enjoying this pregnancy and trying to look at the glass half full.  Am I uncomfortable at times…..yes.  Is it only gonna get worse….probably.    Do I have moments where I wonder how on earth I am going to make it three more months…..absolutely.  But do I realize how blessed I am to have made it 24 weeks with few complications…..yes!  And do I realize how thankful I am that I have absolutely no reason to, now or in the near future, slow down my life and finish this pregnancy on bed rest….yes!   And do I realize that if, God forbid, we were to suddenly have complications and go into preterm labor, we are now at a viable point in pregnancy where survival is promising……yes!  Above all else, do I know that God answered above and beyond our prayers when he gave us the two of you…..absolutely!   

So the lesson to be learned here is that perspective matters.  I can choose to finish this pregnancy feeling like a big fat cow who is miserable and never comfortable…..or I can choose to finish this pregnancy thankful that I am even getting to experience this pregnancy.  I remember when we saw those two pink lines on our pregnancy test.  I swore that I would never take pregnancy for granted, because I knew how hard it was to come by.  Six months later, I still see it that way.  Perspective….it’s all about perspective.  I admit that the fact that we had such a hard time getting pregnant helps me keep my perspective.  As I was driving home from the doctor on Friday, I couldn’t help but think how very different our life looked one year ago.  This year, the Friday before Christmas, I was coming home with ultrasound pictures in my purse and a clean bill of health from a routine pregnancy check up.  Last year, the Friday before Christmas, I was coming home from the same OBGYN, with a very different feeling and very different circumstances.  We had spent much of the fall of 2012 learning that I had some hormonal problems that were preventing my body from ovulating.  No ovulation, no pregnancy.  We had completed two months of treatments to force my body to ovulate with the hopes of getting pregnant.  The month of December was our third and final round of that particular medication, as it was not safe to take it more than three months in a row.  As we entered the third month of treatment, we decided to spend the month ruling out any other possible complications to our infertility.  We got your dad checked out.  He checked out just fine.  He was not the cause of our inability to get pregnancy.  I went in for an invasive and painful procedure (an HSG) to see if my tubes were blocked.  That procedure came out fine.  My tubes were not the problem.  Lastly, we had to do a postcoital test.  As if the stress of infertility had not taken all of the romance out of baby making as it was, a postcoital was just a big fat reminder that for us baby making was work.  That test showed under a microscope that my body was hostile due to high amounts of estrogen.  My body was literally killing off the sperm preventing it from getting to an egg.  You could see the sperm dying under the microscope.  The particular medication I was taking only made this worse.  It was that day, the Friday before Christmas, that I was told by my doctor that there was nothing more she could do for me……that she was referring me to a fertility specialist…..and that there was a good chance I may only be able to get pregnant through IUI or IVF.   I was devastated!  That day was the most defeated I had ever felt as we journeyed through infertility.  I think that day hurt even more than it did when we had our failed IUI two months later.  I remember calling your dad, begging him to come home early and be with me, because I did not want to be alone.  He came home as soon as he could and held me as I cried and cried and cried some more.  We both knew that he would never be able to know what I was feeling…..that he would never hurt the way I was hurting…..but it definitely hurt him to see me hurt…..and it definitely hurt him to know that there was nothing he could do about it.  So last year at this time, I was a little depressed about the unknown.  I can even specifically remember journaling things like, “Will I ever see two pink lines on a pregnancy test?”  “Will I ever know what it is like to feel a baby grow inside of me?”  “Will I ever feel a baby’s kick?” A year later, as I have seen those two pink lines… I feel you growing inside of me…..and I feel your kicks frequently……I am reminded that the answer to those questions could have been no, yet God chose to answer them with a yes….and even more special to me is that God chose to answer them with a double yes. So as I go into this Christmas week with my swollen feet, sore back and big ole belly, I’m trying to keep my perspective.  Having an attitude of gratitude, even in the moments of physical discomfort, while remembering that God heard my cries for a child and answered above and beyond what we could have ever asked or hoped for.


No comments:

Post a Comment