In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. ~ Proverbs 3:6

Saturday, March 8, 2014

Letters to my Babies - Week 35

We are so thankful for this pregnancy! After sharing our journey through infertilty on the blog, I knew I wanted to log our newfound 40 week journey of pregnancy on the blog as well. Not knowing if I’ll ever be able to experience pregnancy again, I have chosen to log our pregnancy by writing occasional letters to our babies. The letters will keep my readers posted on how we are doing each week, but the letters will also be something that our little ones can go back and read, as a reminder of how much he or she was loved from the very beginning of their existence. You can read previous weeks by clicking on the following posts: Week 5, Week 7, Week 9, Week 12, Week 13, Week 15, Week 16, Week 18, Week 19, Week 21, Week 22,Week 24, Week 28, Week 30, Week 33.

35 weeks….we’re almost there!  I’m dilated to two cm, and Baby A is very low on my cervix.  The doctor said it could be any time now.  It’s simply a waiting game of when I get to meet you, and I’m ready.  Yes, we are ready in the sense that our to-do-list is pretty much completed.  But more than that, I’m just physically ready to be done with pregnancy. 

Physically, I am more than ready to deliver you. The physical limit that my body is being pushed to with this twin pregnancy is something that I could not have quite prepared myself for.  I think I was doing really well and staying optimistic until about 30 weeks.  After 30 weeks, everything just started to get really difficult.  By that time, I was already measuring full-term for a singlton pregnancy, so I'm using that as my excuse.

The third trimester has definitely been the hardest for me.  Just so you know, the things that my body has gone through over the last two months will forever be held against you and used as guilt for the rest of your life.  I’m just sayin’…..when you misbehave and let me know what an awful mother you think I am in the moment, you should expect to hear all about the things my body went through to carry you into this world. Yep, it’s gonna happen.  I’m sure of it.    

In the first trimester, I was just so overjoyed to be pregnant that the constant state of nausea and fatigue were easily overlooked in my mind.  

In the second trimester, my energy came back and the feeling to vomit went away, so while the following pregnancy symptoms were unpleasant, I didn’t think it was too much to complain about at the time:  sinus infections and constant nasal drip, swelling from my edema, heartburn and acid reflux, lower back pain, fast weight gain and placenta previa for Baby A. 

The third trimester has been a whole new story.  I still have the heartburn, swelling and the constant nasal drip from the second trimester, but on top of that, the following pregnancy symptoms have made this last trimester almost unbearable to me:  the PUPPS rash started at 26 weeks – this is by far the worst part for me.  I scratch myself until I bleed.  I have scars all over my legs.  There is no cure and very little relief.  I feel like I've had chicken pox for nine weeks, and the itching is not guarenteed to go away after delivery.  If I didn’t pray so hard for a child and know the feeling of not being able to get pregnant, this rash alone would make me want to have my tubes tied after I give birth to you; stretch marks – I was doing pretty good with stretch marks until I got the rash that starts and spreads within stretch marks.  In less than ten weeks, I’ve gone from a few stretch marks below my belly button, to big deep stretch marks from my thighs to my chest.  They’re not just ugly, they are painful and itchy.  My stomach has stretched so much that it literally feels bruised.  My body will forever be scarred, and I’m pretty sure my belly button is permanently misplaced on my body from being so severely stretched; rapid weight gain – I’m as big around as I am tall.  I know a lot of it is water weight from the swelling, but I’m downright huge.  I keep telling myself it took nine months to put it all on, so allow myself nine months to get it all off;  lack of sleep – I do not get more than an hour or two of sleep at a time, simply from sheer discomfort or the constant need to go to the bathroom.  They say this is the body’s way of preparing for motherhood.  I say it’s a cruel way to prepare me for the exhaustion that I already know is coming once we bring you home; contractions - I’ve been having contractions since 23-24 weeks.  They have progressed from an annoying tightening in my stomach to being downright unpleasant, and I have to breathe through them to get rid of them; pelvic pressure – there’s only so much room for you in my short 5’ 2’’ body.  You are running out of room quickly.  Baby A’s head has been on my cervix since week 31.  I’m not even going to try to explain to you how much discomfort that can bring.

Yep, I think that about covers it. And I haven’t even experienced labor and delivery yet, so expect that to be added to this list of things that I will forever remind you of on the days that you and I are not having our finest mother/son moments.  

In all seriousness, I know that the two of you are worth every one of the unpleasant things my body is experiencing.  And if I could experience the past 35 weeks all over again just to have you, I would do it in a heartbeat.  The reality is that pregnancy, labor and delivery will seem short-lived compared to the joy that motherhood will bring.

So to my two sons, if this is the last letter I get to write to you before you enter this world, know that you have been worth every bit of unpleasantness along the way.  I waited a long time to see those two pink lines on a pregnancy test.  You were worth the wait.  And while I may be ready for pregnancy to be over, I would experience everything ~ from the heartbreak of negative test after negative test, to the uncertainty of fertility treatments, to the discouragement of medical bills, to all of the discomfort of pregnancy ~ just to be able to be your mama.  We love you with all of our being and are anxiously waiting for these next few days/weeks to pass.  We can’t wait to hold the two little blessings that were created from two human beings who pleaded with God for the gift of a child. We begged God for one, yet He chose to give us two.  We are truly blessed that God has chosen us to be your parents.


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